Systemic Ritual and Systemic Constellations

What (or who) is a representative, and what is its role during a family constellation?

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)

I explained in my previous blog how a family constellation works: a participant (also known as a client) brings in an issue about which he or she wants to gain clarity. Based on that question, a facilitator gets to work during a family constellation. The representative is an important part of this process, and I will tell you more about that in this blog.
The role of a representative during a family constellation is crucial. They are substitutes for real family members of the client. These representatives have several important advantages over actual family members.
One of the main advantages of representatives is that they are not biased; they have no personal relationship with the client and his family.

Interested in Family constellations or Systemic Ritual?
During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. We will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See: Course in Systemic Ritual.

That is why they can look at the situation objectively – without the intervention of one’s ratio – and really feel their place in the line-up. This is important because many clients are often trapped in their perspective on the situation and their family members’ role in it. The client has been attached to this structure for a long time and consciously and unconsciously tries to defend it. By using representatives, who often show a different picture of the situation, the client can let his own perspective on the situation go and gain new insights simultaneously.

Representatives are also more flexible than the client’s actual family members. They are not trapped in the entrenched structures of the family and can, therefore, more easily sense and go along with changes within the energies of the knowing field. This allows the client to understand the dynamics within his family better. Any blockages can be identified and resolved with the help of the facilitator.

The representatives perceive the energies and thus have a serving function. It is up to them to communicate to the facilitator what their observations are. They can experience intense feelings but do not have to act them out. They just share them.

Representatives also have a steering function. They serve as a compass for the facilitator, indicating whether an intervention is appropriate or not, based on their immediate perception.

Who can be a representative?

Anyone can be a representative; no special knowledge or gifts are required. The place within the ‘knowing field’ in which the representative is placed has its own power. While each representative has their own way of expressing things, experience can play a role in accurately entering the knowing field. With more experience, a representative can become faster and more precise in their expression.

Representatives experience feelings that indicate what relationships are like. For example, a representative can just feel good, or feel wobbly, sad, or angry.

Many people like to represent because they do something for their fellow man. For example, it can already be a relief for the client to see how his representative expresses the same feelings as those that the client himself must deal with in daily life. Seeing this will not change one’s feelings, but this insight alone is liberating.

It is also possible that representatives have experiences that they do not know from their own lives, such as those of a proud great-grandmother, a war criminal, an alcoholic, etc. This can lead to other insights that would otherwise have remained hidden.

In general, the fear that the representative will bring his own experiences into the constellation is unfounded. In exceptional cases, a person can be overcome by their own emotions. Other representatives will also notice this, and the facilitator should pay attention to this.

Is it dangerous to be a representative during a family constellation?

No, in general, a participant can handle this role. It happens that a representative still suffers from the tension he/she has acquired in his/her role for some time after the position has been set up. Therefore, the facilitator must ensure that the representative consciously steps out of the role. There are different techniques for that.

I also want to participate in a family constellation
Do you find this interesting, and would you like to experience a family constellation yourself as a representative, or do you have a question you would like to explore? Then sign up for the Hidden Dynamics workshop. In these workshops, we will explore (family) themes using Systemic Ritual and Family Constellations.

Tip: Another self – Netflix series
To find out more about this in a visual and compelling way, I recommend the Netflix series Another Self: This Turkish series follows three women and their partners. The reason for the journey they make is the diagnosis of a serious illness with one of them. During the journey, they are introduced to family constellations. They are confronted with unresolved trauma from their family history, including murder, secrets, migrations and forbidden loves. Through systemic constellation work, it becomes clear how their family histories have influenced their lives. The series shows (with the right dose of drama and romance) how constellations can support you in finding yourself. Watch the series here.

How does a family constellation work?

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)

In March, you could already read about family constellations and what they are exactly. In that blog, you read that a family constellation is a therapeutic session in which a participant brings in an issue that he or she wants to gain clarity about. Today I will tell you more about how a family constellation works.

The preliminary talk
This process always starts with a preliminary talk. Someone (‘a client’ or ‘questioner’) comes up with a certain theme or question. During this first conversation, the facilitator helps the client to come to a more toned-down question. Using facts from someone’s family history, the facilitator investigates which family members might be related to the theme.

Step one in a constellation
Family members play an important role in the process. During a constellation, you will not see the client’s real family members but representatives. They do not know the family system of the questioner and can therefore take up a neutral role.

Interested in Family constellations or Systemic Ritual?
During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See: Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

The client places the representatives on a certain spot in the room, which determines their view. But that’s it. The client does not indicate what position the representative should take, how he or she should feel or what movement he or she should make.
Representatives take a moment to ‘land’ on the spot and observe what is happening in their bodies:

Do they feel big/small, stable/unsteady?
Do they lean forward or backwards?
Are the eyes open or closed?
What views attract them?
Do certain body sensations arise, such as a lump in the throat or a feeling of pressure in the stomach?
Do certain feelings come up? And which one?

Step two: the constellation begins
The facilitator supervises the process. The questioner only watches. The exchange between the representatives takes place under the guidance of the facilitator. Once the client has set everyone in place, the facilitator takes the lead. He asks how everyone is doing and what they are observing. This can also be the role of the client; this depends on the question and the client.
A question can be: do the representatives experience a movement impulse? If so, then they may follow that movement. The facilitator keeps an eye on the effect. Do they feel better or worse?
The system is brought into better harmony by moving representatives, bringing in other family members or performing ritual sentences and actions. The constellation is finished when all representatives feel comfortable in their new spots.

The end of the constellation
At the end, the client is often placed within the constellation himself. He/she changes from being a spectator to an active participant. He then experiences the other representatives as family members. The facilitator can enhance the experience even further by saying a few essential sentences, which the client repeats.
A good balance must be found. Some clients only need the insight of the constellation. Others need the full experience.

What happens after a constellation?
A constellation usually does not stop here. There is a small chance that the client will step out of the door and continues as if nothing had happened. The mind quickly starts asking questions after a constellation: “What does this mean? Should I call my mother now?” These thoughts are sometimes so strong that the new image of family relations can be seriously disturbed. The advice is, therefore, not to think or talk about the constellation but to draw it out, for example. The facilitator can also give some homework to continue the constellation as some sort of ritual.
The client will also not immediately be put down as a representative in the next constellation. The questioner first needs to absorb the new image of his/her own constellation.
This also means that after a constellation, there will be no discussion. This could lead to rationalization too quickly. The entire process must land first.

Only a part of reality becomes visible
We can assume that only a part of reality becomes visible in a constellation: that part that the questioner needs concerning the theme introduced. Realize that this reality is not fixed and that it can also change over time. But that reality is also taken seriously, as if nothing else existed at that moment.

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What are Family Constellations?

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)

Over the past months, I have already shared a lot about family constellations and Systemic Ritual. In this blog, it is time to find out what family constellations actually are and where this form of alternative psychotherapy comes from. I will go into more detail on this in the coming months.

A family is a system
You, as a person, are part of a family – a system – through biological, legal, affectionate, geographical and historical ties.

According to the founders of systemic therapy, human problems are problems that arise between people who are members of this system. The underlying idea is that if one of the members of a system (a family or partner relationship, for example) has a problem, the entire system is disrupted. The other way around: the system can help an individual by strengthening that system in which he or she lives.

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What is the origin?
The method of family constellations – based on other systemically oriented methods – was developed in Western Europe by the German Bert Hellinger. His working method is so-called systemic work:

By setting up someone’s system of origin, you can recognize, acknowledge and possibly eliminate relationships between family members that are not immediately visible. You can also identify, acknowledge and eliminate possible bottlenecks.

So what is a family constellation?
A family constellation is a therapeutic session in which a participant brings in an issue that he or she wants to get clarity on. Such an issue often originates in hidden dynamics that play a role between various family members of the person who raises the issue. During a constellation, other participants are selected as ‘representatives’, but more about that in another blog. The questioning participant places the representatives on certain spots in the room. Those spots are chosen in relation to the other representatives and the questioning participant. He/she is partly helped by the facilitator – the supervisor of the constellation.

The representatives are questioned about their feelings and attitudes towards each other and the situation. In this way, the mutual relationships and unconscious processes that play a part between people are made visible.

For example, entanglements (often from previous generations) that have led to stagnation in the participant’s current life come to light. These are often unprocessed feelings as a result of unpleasant events such as the young death of a parent or child, a war experience or the divorce between parents. Children who are born later, can unconsciously and unintentionally take on those unprocessed feelings, causing them to be out of balance.

In this context, people sometimes talk about family soul, family consciousness or family karma. A constellation makes visible what is happening in a family soul.

What happens during a family constellation?
During a family constellation, representatives are physically placed on a certain spot in the room, but more happens during such a constellation:

Relationships and processes are made visible.
The participants look for the origin of the problem, by searching for the individuals from previous generations who had every reason to be anxious, sad or angry.
A new, more harmonious balance is created.

“I feel lighter”
You restore balance through ritual sentences and/or actions. After a constellation, the person asking the question can feel the effect for years to come. The problem he came up with might disappear. This can even affect the family members who are unaware of the setup: family members have suddenly contacted again, or contact between them goes smoother.

Does this sound interesting? In the online workshops, you can easily become acquainted with this work: I will tell you more about systemic constellations and Systemic Ritual, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals, so that you can experience how it works and what it does to you. Do you want more and live? Then there is the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’ – in Amsterdam.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

What is the impact of the family of origin on your relationships?

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: tyler-nix-V3dHmb1MOXM-unsplash.jpeg

In previous blogs, I described situations in current relationships and from previous relationships that impact your current relationship. Today I will discuss the last part: what happened in the family of origin that affects the current situation?

Intergenerational trauma
Intergenerational trauma is a concept developed to help explain long-standing destructive patterns within families. It means the transfer or the transmission to younger generations of oppressive or traumatic effects of a historical event that took place with ancestors. This involves loyalty to and identifications and entanglements with people in the generations before you. I speak of ‘family karma’.
Read more about that on this page.

Do you want to know more about how to break free from a previous relationship? Or are there events in your current relationship that you want to work on?
During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See: Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

Commitment
Commitment is an essential part in relationships. Commitment is connected to the energy we give to something or someone or a certain value. Think of an important family value. For example, the value of freedom may be more important than the commitment to a partner.

You often see this with women from strict cultural backgrounds where women have to be submissive to men for many generations. Their mantra now is: “I won’t end up like this”. This value can be more important than the relationship with a man.

In every relationship, a piece of freedom is ‘given up’, but that is unacceptable in the example above. In this case, there is a commitment with all ancestral women who did not know freedom.

If a person shows no commitment to the partner, then his/her commitment is to something or someone else. And this has an impact on your relationship.

Intergenerational socio-cultural traumas
In addition to the impact of situations from our personal lives and from the lives of our parents and ancestors, socio-cultural historical traumas also impact relationships.

Such traumas include war, famine, immigration, slavery, genocide, colonialism, political unrest, disasters, economic collapse and radiation.

The impact of these events creates the dynamics of our relationships. We carry the past in our bodies in the present. These forces guide our choices until we are aware of them. Each country has its own history and, therefore, a different dynamic that can play a role in relationships.

It is sometimes said in shamanistic cultures that up to and including the 7th generation descendants still deal with the entanglements of ancestors. And this concerns traumas from the personal lives of those ancestors. When it comes to sociological, cultural, religious or political trauma, the impact can last for centuries.

Healing
Healing intergenerational traumas is the essence of the Family Constellations and Systemic Ritual method. In a constellation, you look for the cause of the problem. You look for people in previous generations who had every reason to be sad, anxious, angry, etc. In this way, you ‘expose’ the cause of the problem. You restore it through ritual phrases and/or actions and/or adding other ancestors who can help.

Tip: The other self – Netflix series
To find out more about this in a visual and compelling way, I recommend the Netflix series The Other Self: This Turkish series follows three women and their partners. The reason for the journey they make is the diagnosis of a serious illness with one of them. During the journey, they are introduced to family constellations. They are confronted with unresolved trauma from their family history, including murder, secrets, migrations and forbidden loves. Through systemic constellation work, it becomes clear how their family histories have influenced their lives. The series shows (with the right dose of drama and romance) how constellations can support you in finding yourself. Watch the series here.

Do you want to know more about how to break free from a previous relationship? Or are there events in your current relationship that you want to work on?

During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

The negative impact of previous relationships on your current relationship

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: jens-lelie-u0vgcIOQG08-unsplash.jpg

In last month’s blogs, you could read about events that took place in your current relationship that have a negative impact on the course of your current relationship. In this blog, you will read about the second level: the impact of previous relationships on your existing relationship.

How can a previous relationship impact your current relationship?

Unfinished separation

Partners are connected on three levels:

Mentally: the image we have in mind of our partner or the image of how we think our partner should be.
Emotionally: the connection from the heart: ‘I love you, and I want someone to love me as well.’
Erotically: the sexual attraction and the sex between the two partners.

A good break-up recognizes all three layers of commitment. Therefore, a good break-up takes responsibility for each layer. The connection has to be broken on all three levels. We can do this with a Familyconstellation or a Systemic Ritual, but more on that later.

A previous relationship may obstruct the current relationship. This usually means that the previous relationship did not end well. There has not been a proper farewell to each other and/or the previous partner(s) are not respected.

A breakup can be difficult if the partners still expect something from each other. Think of acknowledgement, gratitude for the time they have had together or the valuable things they gave each other such as love and experiences.

Generally speaking, separating from a partner with whom someone had their first sexual contact, is the most difficult. This is usually the relationship with the most significant impact.

Even if partners have been separated for years, if the separation has not taken place properly, it is unfinished. This obstructs a new relationship.

Factors that form an obstacle to landing in a new relationship

Some factors related to previous relationships can obstruct a new relationship, such as:

Intense, insufficiently processed events from previous relationships, such as abortion, miscarriage, stillborn or passed child. Events like this are mostly the cause of the growing apart of partners because they cannot manage to carry the loss together. Situations like those described above make the partners stay connected to one another on a certain level. This connection obstructs a new relationship.
We also often see that a new relationship is more difficult for one partner when his or her former partner does not start a new relationship and remains unhappy.

The impact on descendants

Unfinished break-ups affect not only the involved partners and their following relationship but also affect descendants.

Children of the next generation can identify themselves with ex-partners when those ex-partners are being left out, denied or suppressed. This is how a system ensures that this person will not be forgotten. Unfortunately, this means that our children or grandchildren will live the fate of ex-partners.

Healing motion and healing sentences
There are a couple of ways to break free from a previous relationship, that I’ll guide you through during a family constellation or Systemic Ritual. Your ex-partner doesn’t have to be present. This is your inner process that will work systemically.

Do you want to know more about how to break free from a previous relationship? Or are there events in your current relationship that you want to work on? During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

Events that have an impact on your relationship – Part 2

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: shelby-deeter–XlBjdtRqK8-unsplash.jpg

In the previous blog, I wrote about balance and disbalance in relationships and what impact this has on a relationship. It is about giving and taking, but what if one person gives much more than the other? I’ll tell you more in this blog by describing situations that impact the current relationship if nobody pays attention to it.

Sexual needs

There can be a disbalance in the need for sex. In general, one of the partners has a higher sex drive than the other. What helps is that the other person then says: “Thank you for your need for me. Even when I am – at this moment – not available for you.”

Do you want to know more about how a constellation or Systemic Ritual can work for you? During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or practices. In that way, you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series in Amsterdam ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
Already a facilitator and want more tools? Maybe the course is something for you: Course Systemic Ritual

Affair
In general, an affair is a symptom of something missing in a relationship. A good sentence for the partner who cheated on his/her partner can be:
“I had an affair, but what I was looking for in this other person, I wished to get from you.”

The other person can answer with:
“I’m sorry I didn’t have enough attention for you.”

Both partners have to take up their share of the responsibility for what happened. This way, the guilt will be shared. A form of revenge can be needed from the other person to let the love flow again. An appropriate compensation can be to confide in a friend and tell him/her about the situation.

Abortion (or miscarriage)
Abortion has a lot of impact on a relationship. This is often overlooked. The aborted child must be given a place in the family. The relationship is at risk in the event of an abortion or a miscarriage, unless the parents take responsibility and grieve together.

Healing sentences can be – in the case of abortion: “We have both asked you to leave and we carry our responsibility. We now take you in our hearts completely and grieve together.”

In case of a spontaneous miscarriage: “We would have loved to see you come into our lives, but unfortunately, you had to leave. You have a spot in our hearts and in our family. We carry this loss together and grieve together.”

Sometimes a woman terminates the pregnancy without telling her partner. This, too, has to be acknowledged.

Infertility
When one of the partners is infertile in a heterosexual relationship, it can become a big problem for both partners.

Healing sentences are when the infertile partner says to the other: “This is my fate. I carry it completely. You are free to stay, but you are also free to go.” If the partner stays: “Thank you for staying. This is a big gift to me.”

Partners of equal sex who want to have a baby, need a third party who donates the sperm or egg, or wants to carry the baby until it is born (in a man-man relationship). It is of great interest for the partners and the child that this third person is acknowledged and honoured. This also counts for heterosexual couples who have had a baby through a donor.

Mixed families
A huge change will happen when two families come together, and partners bring children from a former relationship. The former partners must have a place in the new, mixed family.

Constellations can help in such a case because they offer a multidimensional perspective for mixed families. The question for all people (partners, children) is usually: “Where is my place?”

For a facilitator of the constellation, it is important to look for that order which brings the most harmony between all people involved. It is crucial to keep the natural order in mind. There are some ‘rules’ for this natural order. These rules were developed from and have been proven to be the most harmonious in thousands of family constellations.

An important finding is that a new family system takes precedence over an earlier family system. This means that a new relationship from which children are born takes precedence over the previous family system. However, the children born in an earlier relationship of a partner have priority over the new partner.

Healing sentences for the new partner can include: “I chose you with your children. We all come together. I agree that you give your children precedence over me, as I came into your lives at a later stage.”

This was level 1 of systemic impact: what happened in the current relationship that didn’t get any attention.
In the next blog, I’ll describe level 2 of systemic impact: previous relationships.

Events that have an impact on your relationship – Part 1

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: Andrik-langfield–kCQwY1rd6I-unsplash.jpg

Various events that happen while being in a relationship have an impact on that relationship. This can be an affair, the loss of a job, the passing of one of the parents, or a disbalance in giving and taking. In the following few blogs, I’ll tell you everything about the different levels of impact. Today I’ll describe the first level: what happened in the current relationship that didn’t get any attention?

The feeling of being incomplete

Attraction is the driving force behind the start of a relationship.

Everyone has, in their subconscious, an image of what he/she finds attractive. But we mainly look for someone who makes us complete. We look for someone who has qualities that we appreciate or that we haven’t yet developed ourselves.

In a relationship, it is important that the needs of both partners towards each other are equal. The man or woman wishes that his or her partner needs him or her as much as she/he needs him/her. This requires the feeling of ‘being incomplete’. A feeling that many people have.

If each partner sees the qualities in the other person that he/she wants, then he/she can see the other one as the one who makes him/her complete or who complements him/her with the qualities that he/she wants so desperately. This forms a good start for a relationship. It makes space for gratitude.

Disbalance

What if we look for qualities about status, like money, wealth or an important position in society? This is when a power complex arises. The ‘richer’ person in the relationship has power, but the other person doesn’t. In many of these cases, the relationship won’t develop and won’t be everlasting. The same goes for relationships in which partners have a significant age difference (>15 years). The danger that one person will take up a parent role or the risk of repeating a parent-child pattern sneaks around the corner. We have read that in this blog as well.

If there is a mutual balance – equality in the relationship – then we have the right conditions for equal power distribution and intimacy. This will strengthen the relationship in the longer term.

But what if that mutual balance isn’t there? There can be times when one person gives more than the other. This has to be acknowledged, and the balance has to be restored at a later stage. One time one person gives, another time the other person gives. This makes a relationship grow. It grows when one person gives a bit more than the other. Because the other received more, he/she will feel ‘guilty’. The need to give back arises in order to let go of the ‘guilt. This is how the bond between partners grows.

However: from this perspective, even every misstep has to be compensated. In that case in a lower dose. Compensation must take place in a way that both partners win back their dignity and share their guilt. From this perspective, any harmful act has to be answered with some sort of revenge. The other person also does something painful, but it has to be less painful than what the other person has caused. I will give an example later.
In the interest of love, we have to restore the balance, even if this asks for a harmful approach. Reconciliation means that the two partners create a new starting point, fed by the wish of staying together.

Each couple has its own balance
The skill of giving and taking is taught at a very young age in the family that we are born into and is strongly related to our relationship with our parents. Furthermore, each partner can only give as much as the other can receive and ask as much as the other person can give.

Each couple has to find its own balance. We tend to look for someone who matches us. If you’re good at giving, you’ll probably meet someone good at receiving. This is how you create balance in some aspects. Actually, together you create a disbalance by which both of you feel happy. Of course, in this case, the couple has to take care that the disbalance won’t grow too big. It is good as long as both feel happy with it.

A significant disbalance in giving and taking can disturb relationships.
As an example: It can be that one of the partners made a huge sacrifice for the relationship: leaving a country and family behind or breaking up a career.
Especially in those cases, there must be acknowledgement and gratitude for this sacrifice. Sometimes the disbalance in giving and taking can only be acknowledged because the other person simply can’t restore the balance. The only solution here is gratitude towards the other. If there is an overwhelming disbalance, gratitude is essential to the solution.

In this blog, I described level 1 of the systemic impact on relationships: what happened in the current relationship that didn’t get enough attention? Each couple has to find balance, but what if there is a significant disbalance? In the next blog, I’ll describe several examples of such a disbalance: the difference in sexual needs, but also the impact of an abortion or miscarriage, an affair, infertility or mixed families.

The veil between the material world and the ‘other world’.

We stand on the shoulders of our ancestors.
African saying.

It is said that around the beginning of November, the veil between the living or the material world and the world of the deaths /gods/saints/spirits or the ‘other world’ is at its thinnest and that on these days, contact with the other world can be most easily accomplished.

The month of November seems to be a suitable month for ancestor rituals. I start an ONLINE workshop series of 5 Saturday afternoons: Systemic Ritual with family themes and ancestors (basic)
This series starts on November 5, 2022, and consists of 5 ONLINE workshops. For more information and registration, see: /systemic-ritual-with-family-themes-and-ancestors/

Early November is on the Wheel of the four directions the moment where we move from the West to the North – actually the beginning of winter. The boundary between West and North is also the boundary of the living and the deaths. The West is the place of the elderly; the North is the place of the deaths and the immaterial existence.
We see that at the beginning of November, the transition from the direction of the West to the direction of the North is central. Hence probably the idea that the veil between the two worlds is paper-thin at this time. At least this applies to the Northern Hemisphere. It is different in the southern hemisphere (sun in the North). And that will be different for countries between the equator and the tropics.

Various myths tell about this, and traditionally different cultures have rituals that have to do with ‘the other side’ in this period. For example, the Celts and Germans celebrated festivals like Samhain these days. Likewise, it’s the time of Halloween, All Saints’ Day (November 1), All Souls’ Day (November 2) and the Dia de Los Muertos (Mexican Day of the Death). All these celebrations have the same theme, namely the commemoration and tribute to the deceased.

Samhain

The ancient Celts and Teutons celebrated the beginning of winter and the new year around October 31 – the exact date differed by tribe and region. The celebration of Samhain (Celtic New Year) traditionally begins at sunset on October 31 and lasts for three days.
Since – according to the Celts – during this period the division between the world of the deaths and our world is paper-thin, the Celts believed that the deaths are present in our world during Samhain. So it is the best time to commemorate and honour the deceased. The ancestors are welcomed during this festival with fires outside and inside the hearth fires. On Samhain, the table is set again for deceased family members. A plate with a napkin is placed on the altar to welcome the deceased and food is placed on the altar. Food can also be left outside for the deaths.
However, it was not a sad feast but a joyous feast with amusement, entertainment, food, and drink. During Samhain, the life of the ancestors is celebrated, and they become involved with the living. The ancestors are consulted and receive not only food but also gifts. Actually, a very nice way to deal with the deceased, to honour their place and to process their loss.
It is not only a celebration to honour and commemorate the deceased, but a celebration of all spirits and nature spirits. They also show themselves during this period.
Around this period, the harvests is brought in and stored. Some of the cattle are put back into stables and some are slaughtered to add to the food supply needed to get through the winter. The slaughtered flesh was also offered to the Gods, nature spirits and ancestors.
Therefore, Samhain is also a closing harvest, slaughter festival, and thanksgiving to the Gods, nature spirits, and ancestors for the harvest obtained.

Halloween – All Hallow’s Eve, All Saints Evening.

Halloween is associated with the Samhain festival. Irish and Scots who immigrated to the United States and Canada in the 19th century took the Halloween celebration with them. Today it is ‘celebrated’ by almost everyone in the US and Canada and has also been ‘blown’ back to Europe.

All Saints and All Souls

All Saints Day – November 1 – is a Christian holiday. On this day, all saints are commemorated and venerated in the Roman Catholic Church. During All Souls’ Day – on November 2 – all the deceased are commemorated.
At the beginning of November, there was also a ‘holiday’ in the agricultural sector in the Netherlands. That was a day of thanksgiving for the harvest. This took place on the first Wednesday of the month.
Until the beginning of the 7th century, All Saints’ Day fell on May 13. But to gain more acceptance for Christianity among the people, the festival has been moved to November 1. By celebrating the Feast of the Departed Saints on November 1, followed by the All Souls’ Day on November 2, these Christian festivals blended more easily with the original traditions of the people. Moreover, that made it easier for the church to “win souls”.

Dia de Los Muertos

In Mexico and, to a lesser extent, other countries of Central America, the Dia de Los Muertos takes place at the beginning of November. A 3-day festival in which the deaths are commemorated and honoured. This festival has its origins within the Central American Indian people.
In many aspects, it resembles Samhain. Here too, it is not a sad event but a joyful celebration. Altars are made for the deceased, on which food, drinks and gifts are placed. Life is celebrated both indoors and outdoors – in the cemetery. There is singing, eating and dancing.
Initially, this festival took place in early August. Under the influence of the Roman Catholic Church, this festival was ‘moved’ to the beginning of November to coincide with the Roman Catholic Remembrance Day.
Early August is an interesting time for Central America. Around June 21, the sun is perpendicular to the Tropic of Cancer in the Northern Hemisphere. For Central America, that is the North. At the beginning of August, the sun is almost perpendicular to Central America. Then the sun moves south again. From the beginning of May to the beginning of August, Central America has the sun in the North. Then the sun shifts south again. Initially, that was the moment of the Dia de Los Muertos.

Systemic Ritual with Ancestors

Overall, the month of November seems to be a suitable month for ancestor rituals and contact with souls. I participate in that by giving an ONLINE workshop series of 5 Saturday afternoons: Systemic Ritual with family themes and ancestors (basic)
This series starts on Saturday afternoon (4 p.m. Dutch time), November 5, 2022, and consists of 5 ONLINE workshops.

For more information and registration, see: /systemic-ritual-with-family-themes-and-ancestors/

If you are interested in the whole course Systemic Ritual – see:

Course Systemic Ritual Download

Inspired by:
https://www.middenamerika.nl/mexico/reisgids/feesten-dia-de-los-muertos/
https://www.beleven.org/feest/samhain
www.nightofartemis.nl
http://samhain.heidensweb.nl/geschiedenis.php
https://www.middenamerika.nl/mexico/reisgids/feesten-dia-de-los-muertos/
https://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halloween

Attachment: a short introduction

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: Ioann Mark Kuznietsov, published on Unsplash

In an earlier published blog, you read about power in relationships and the fact that every relationship finds itself in a cross-cultural war: two people who come together in a relationship leave their family norms and values behind so they can ‘walk a new path’ together. That process quite often comes with fights. Not only because both partners leave the ‘rules’ of their family of origin behind, but also because one partner wants something from the other that he or she couldn’t get from his/her parents.

Fill the emptiness

In this previous blog you have read that everyone has an empty jar of needs that they want to be filled by something or someone else. This is why we have subconscious expectations towards a partner: you try to get something that you didn’t get from your parents. But that is not how it works.

To build on a strong partner relationship, both have to heal, be aware, grow up and act as adults. If we want something from the other person that we didn’t get from our parents, we keep hanging on to a parent-child relationship: we keep asking for something that the other person can never give us. This is an important source of frustration, irritation and aggression. A source that may lead to you pushing away your partner.

The influence on partner relationships

So there are many factors influencing your relationship. The attachment you have with your parents is of great influence as well. The attachment style as we experienced it together with our parents, determines how we see relationships. Think of it as a lens through which we see and experience relationships. The attachment style you have determines how safe you think relationships are.

There are four styles to which I give you a short introduction.

Secure attachment

These people are in touch with their feelings, are competent and have successful relationships in general. Besides that, they are trustworthy and consistent and they take decisions together with their partner. They are flexible, communicate clearly and are not afraid of commitment.

Avoidant attachment

To protect themselves, these people have learned to push other people away. Feelings are locked away and they count on nobody except for themselves. To them, a relationship equals a loss of freedom. Besides that, they have unrealistic beliefs about what a romantic relationship should look like.

Ambivalent attachment

These people are the opposite: they want to be in a relationship and are constantly worried that people won’t like them or even that they will leave them. They desperately want to be close to the other person. They are unhappy when they’re not in a relationship, are afraid of rejection and communicate poorly.

Disorganized

These adults feel the need to connect to others. But: being close to someone and working on intimacy feels too overwhelming and threatening. It can even lead to them ignoring intimacy at all.

How to work with attachment disorders

Regular psychology has done tons of research on attachment disorders and interventions. A family constellation can be very useful when you want to look at hidden identifications and entanglements. Other types of therapy can be helpful as well when you want to help someone with an attachment disorder and help couples with their communication. However, it is advised to do a family constellation additionally to other therapy and not as a stand-alone intervention when an attachment disorder is clear.

A Systemic Ritual can help make you strong and give back your confidence. We do exercises to make the love flow after a traumatic break of trust – think of hospitalization shortly after birth or premature birth – and to give back safety and basic trust.

During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or practices so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you. Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.

Source:

Delfos, M.F: Ontwikkeling in vogelvlucht. Ontwikkeling van kinderen en adolescenten. (development at a glance. Development of children and adolescents)

Systemic Ritual for cross-cultural and non-traditional relationships

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: Maico Pereira, published on Unsplash

We are all programmed to do everything we can to belong to a group. Our existence depends on it: we have to be part of a group to survive. We come from our family of origin – the first and usually most important group to which we belong – with deep attachments. Family and cultural norms and values can be added on top of that. This can be tricky if you find a partner who, logically, brings his or her own family values. And how does that work in a cross-cultural or non-traditional relationship? That makes it even more complicated.

Loyalty to our family of origin
The family norms we have, are partially explicitly taught via our upbringing. However, they are taught implicitly for the biggest part. This starts with our existence in the womb, goes on through our childhood and goes even further. This is why everyone is loyal to his or her parents and that value system.

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When two people come together and start being a couple, both of them will have that loyalty to their family of origin. Two different perspectives come together, that will want to move forward on a shared path. This is only possible when both partners are open to it and when they commit themselves to create that third path. Only then, they can move forward as a couple.

When these people come together as a couple, they both have to let go of a part of the conscience of the family group; they leave the codes of their family of origin behind. If they don’t do that, there will be fights: a power battle in which one of them wants to be right and the other one will be wrong. This battle is usually not solvable based on content, because the two people involved are unaware of the exact content. This means that every relationship or marriage is in a cross-cultural war. Even when both partners speak the same language, have the same skin colour and/or believe in the same religion. Each family has their own norms, values and loyalties, which we partially leave behind when starting a new relationship. Naturally, this brings along a feeling of guilt.

An actual cross-cultural relationship, which means a relationship in which the partners come from different countries, and have different religions or cultures, comes with extra challenges. I’ll explain why.

Where two cultures or religions sleep on one pillow, the devil sleeps between them.

The above title is an old Dutch saying, meaning that when people from two cultures or religions come together in a relationship, it almost never goes right.

Power usually plays a role in cross-cultural relationships. But there must be a balance between both partners to experience real intimacy. Think about money: one person has it, and the other doesn’t. Who has the power? Precisely, the person with the money. Because money equals power.

Another critical aspect in a cross-cultural relationship is language. How much balance is there if you have to speak in a different language than your own? What is it like to have a partner who speaks a different language? What is it like if you live in a foreign country, possibly far away from your family of origin and from everything you know?

It also happens that the family of one partner – or both families – disapprove of the relationship, for example when it comes to religion. A loyalty conflict arises.

Relationships with non-traditional couples
Relationships can be cross-cultural, but if you put that aside, there are basically three types of couples:

Man/ woman;
Man/ man;
Woman/ woman;

More variations are possible, of course; think about trans man/ woman, etc.

We know the man/ woman couple well: this is the traditional type. This relationship can be quite complex, as we’ve read in this blog. The relationship between partners who are in a non-traditional relationship is even more complicated.

The orders of love, as Hellinger found, came from observations of heterosexual couples during constellations. But through ages and cultures, it turned out that relationships were much more diverse than this and that everything and everyone has to be included.

In the past and often in the present, non-traditional relationships have to stay hidden. This brings along a lot of collective trauma, coming from discrimination and persecution.

We still live in a world dominated by ‘being straight’. This is still the norm and seems superior. This means that people who are not straight, don’t really recognize themselves in the current society. Because of those current norms, people who are not straight have (almost) no examples of how to deal with relationships, separations, children, etc.

How to support those groups with Systemic work?
A lot of research still has to be done on how to support those groups. Connecting with ancestors from different times or cultures, or connecting them with ancestors who have walked the same path are good options.

If you find yourself struggling with this, because you’re in a cross-cultural or non-traditional relationship, we can support you with a Systemic Ritual.