On my altar, I have four figurines representing the four ancestral lines of my parents: my maternal grandmother’s line, my maternal grandfather’s line, my paternal grandfather’s line, and my paternal grandmother’s line. Each figure symbolises the gifts I may receive through that particular lineage.
When I attune myself to the ancestors of my maternal grandfather’s lineage, I see a long line of men before me. Men in work clothes. Ordinary, hard-working men – labourers, farmers, men who worked with their hands.
But among them, I also see a few men who catch my attention.
They are blowing a horn.
Perhaps it is a hunting horn, I think at first, or a midwinter horn. I hear no melody. Just one long note.
Not long after I had attuned myself to this ancestral lineage, I went walking in Gelderland. My grandfather, my mother’s father, came from Gelderland.
That evening, I was sitting in a small restaurant when I suddenly heard a horn outside.
That note.
Of course, I was surprised. A little later, the man who had been blowing the horn came into the restaurant. It turned out that it was indeed a midwinter horn.
I found it remarkable that this particular sound crossed my path so soon after my encounter with the ancestors of my maternal grandfather’s lineage.
The midwinter horn
The midwinter horn is a long, slightly curved wooden horn traditionally played in the eastern Netherlands, particularly in Twente and the Achterhoek, as well as in neighbouring regions of Germany. The horn is traditionally made from woods such as alder, willow or birch.
Its sound is simple and penetrating. No complicated melodies, but a series of natural notes that can carry far across the landscape.
Various stories and theories exist about the origins of the midwinter horn tradition. The tradition as we know it today has, in any case, been associated with the dark time of the year for centuries. Nowadays, the horn is traditionally played from the first Sunday of Advent until Epiphany.
Old stories also connect blowing the horn with the winter solstice, driving away darkness or evil forces, and welcoming the returning light.
Whether the present-day tradition truly reaches all the way back to such pre-Christian rituals, we do not know.
But the image touches me.
In the darkest time of the year, a note sounds across the land.
A call through the darkness.
And then, slowly, the light returns.
For me, the gifts of this ancestral lineage lie in simplicity and music.
I recognise that simplicity in the men I see before me. Men who worked hard, with their hands, close to the land and to the ordinary rhythms of life.
And then there is the music.
I hear only one note, yet when I listen, it feels as though an entire melody is coming towards me.
I recognise the gift of music in myself and in my family on my mother’s side. When I was young, my mother did everything she could to make sure that my brothers and I had music lessons and learned to play an instrument. She herself once played the zither, but she did not have the same opportunities that we had and had to give it up.
I no longer play an instrument myself, but my music lessons and playing the flute remain among my most cherished childhood memories.
Will you journey with me?
In the autumn, the course *Connecting with Your Ancestors* will take place again in Amsterdam.
Discover the power and gifts that come to you through your ancestors.
Will you be there?
Prior to these live days in Amsterdam, there are also ONLINE circles around this theme.
On my altar, I have four figurines representing the four ancestral lines of my parents: my maternal grandmother’s line, my maternal grandfather’s line, my paternal grandfather’s line, and my paternal grandmother’s line. Each figure symbolises the gifts I may receive through that particular lineage.
For my maternal grandmother’s line, I searched for a long time for an image that felt right.
When I attune myself to this lineage, I see a long line of women before me. Women with healing and spiritual gifts. In my experience, many of them carry not only these gifts, but also the memory of a time when revealing them could be dangerous. I see women who were condemned and persecuted for what was considered witchcraft.
Hiding yourself was therefore also part of what I learned growing up. Perhaps even stronger was the message to stay far away from anything that might be associated with ‘witchcraft’.
And in my life, I did more or less the opposite.
Fortunately, I was born in different times. Although even today, spiritual and healing gifts are not always met with openness or respect.
Still, it took me a long time to truly dare to make myself visible with what I can do and what I experience in my work. For many years, somewhere inside me, there was a subtle fear of fully stepping forward.
I still find this difficult at times, but the struggle has changed. It is no longer so much about fear. It is about finding a way to make myself and my talents visible while, at the same time, maintaining a deep sense of humility.
Because what I can do does not feel as though it belongs to me alone.
My talents have grown, in part, from what I have been able to receive from my female ancestors. Their strength, their wisdom and their gifts continue to live within me in some form. I can develop, cherish and use these gifts, but their origin does not lie with me alone.
Perhaps humility, then, does not mean that I need to make myself smaller. Perhaps it means that I am allowed to become visible while continuing to acknowledge where my gifts come from.
When I started looking for an image that reflected what I had seen while attuning to my maternal grandmother’s line, I came across The Priestess by Ruth Thompson.
An Egyptian priestess. A powerful, almost dancing woman wearing a striking headdress, a broad usekh collar, bracelets and a flowing, translucent skirt. She holds a cat in her arms, an eagle rests on her shoulder, and a lion lies beside her.
A usekh collar was worn in ancient Egypt by both humans and gods and could, among other things, have a protective meaning.
But what touched me most were the animals. In the lion, the cat and the eagle, I recognised my own power animals. And in the woman, I recognised something of the feminine power I experience when I connect with my female ancestors.
The headdress with its two horns also touched me. To me, it symbolises a connection with the higher realms.
And so The Priestess found a place on my altar.
Not as an image of who I want to become, but as a reminder of what was already there before me.
Of women who carried their gifts. Of women who may have had to hide them. And of the possibility of allowing those gifts to become visible again in our time.
With gratitude. And with humility.
Will you journey with me?
In the autumn, the course *Connecting with Your Ancestors* will take place again in Amsterdam.
Discover the power and gifts that come to you through your ancestors.
Will you be there?
Prior to these live days in Amsterdam, there are also ONLINE circles around this theme.
There has been a certain quietness in my work this year.
Perhaps you have noticed that I have been offering fewer workshops, that my website has changed very little, or that I have simply been less visible than before.
That is not by accident.
Sometimes life brings us to a place where something so fundamental is changing that it cannot be rushed. It asks for time. For stillness. For listening to what is quietly emerging.
That is where I find myself now.
Over the past months I have realised that not only I am changing, but my work is changing with me. Not because I am leaving behind what I have built over the past twenty years, but because I am moving closer to the heart of why I began this work in the first place.
Bert Hellinger once said:
“Life says yes.”
These simple words have stayed with me.
Throughout my professional life, I have been searching for ways to help people reconnect with the deeper sources of strength that allow healing, growth and transformation to unfold.
As a psychologist, I learned to understand the human mind and the impact of life experiences. Family constellations taught me to recognize the hidden dynamics that connect generations. Systemic Ritual showed me that healing is not only about revealing what is entangled, but also about reconnecting with the people, qualities and forces that nourish life. More recently, my work with Ancestral Connections® has deepened this understanding through embodiment, movement, community and our relationship with the supportive ancestors who continue to accompany us.
Looking back, I realize that not only has my work changed; my understanding of healing has changed as well.
For many years, my work—as is true for much of systemic practice—focused primarily on pain, trauma and what needed healing.
That remains deeply important.
But I have come to see that it is only part of the story.
Life does not ask only to be healed. It asks to be lived.
Increasingly, I find that the deepest transformations happen not only when we meet our pain, but also when we reconnect with joy, beauty, creativity, music, movement and dance. When we feel supported by our ancestors, by one another and by life itself. When we remember that we belong to something greater than ourselves.
Perhaps, in systemic work, we have spent a long time listening to the tears of our ancestors. But our ancestors left us far more than their suffering.
They also gave us their songs. Their dances. Their laughter. Their craftsmanship. Their courage. Their love. Their remarkable capacity to embrace life, even in the midst of hardship.
That, too, is our inheritance. That, too, deserves to be remembered.
For me, joy is no longer the reward that comes after healing. Joy is a source of healing.
This insight is gradually transforming everything I do. Whether I facilitate family constellations, Systemic Ritual, ancestral workshops or professional trainings, my intention is no longer only to help people understand what holds them back.
I want to create spaces where life can be felt again. Spaces where vitality, connection, creativity and inner movement can naturally arise.
I believe more and more that we are not here merely to recover from life. We are here to participate in it. To love. To create. To grieve when grief is needed. To celebrate when life invites celebration. To be supported by those who came before us while taking responsibility for those who will come after us.
In my workshops and trainings, I want to make space for the whole of life.
For silence and music. For sorrow and joy. For reflection and dance. For depth and lightness.
Perhaps that is why my work has become quieter this year. Not because less is happening. But because something new is developing.
Traces of this can already be found in my work, and will this grow?
Will you journey with me?
In the autumn, the course *Connecting with Your Ancestors* will take place again in Amsterdam.
Discover the power and gifts that come to you through your ancestors.
Will you be there?
Prior to these live days in Amsterdam, there are also ONLINE circles around this theme.
By Susanne Hazen, author Leerboek Familieopstellingen
“The mothers put us into life; the fathers put us into the world.” — Bert Hellinger
This article is about fathers — not only our personal fathers, but also the deeper inner image of Father that lives within the human psyche.
For most of us, this inner image is shaped by our experience with our biological father. Yet our psyche also carries a more universal image of Father: the archetypal Father. We encounter this figure in myths, fairytales, ancient stories, and spiritual traditions across cultures worldwide.
Whether we like it or not, this inner image of Father influences us more deeply than we often realise. It shapes our relationship with masculine energy and affects how we move through the world.
Without healthy access to masculine qualities, we may struggle with important aspects of life, such as:
Making decisions
Taking responsibility
Setting boundaries
Focusing on goals
Developing autonomy
Logical and rational thinking
Independence
Inner strength and vitality
In this article, we will explore the Father archetype, the roles traditionally associated with it, and several dynamics observed in Family Constellations work. We will also look at how Systemic Ritual can support healing wounds connected to the father relationship.
“If mom is the gateway to life, dad is the portal to the world.” — Marina Toledo
The Primary Roles of the Father
Across many cultures and traditions, fathers have historically embodied three important roles: protector, provider, and guide or disciplinarian.
Of course, modern parenting is far more fluid than traditional role divisions suggest. Mothers often fulfil these roles as well, just as fathers may embody nurturing and emotional qualities traditionally associated with the feminine. Perhaps it is more accurate to speak about masculine and feminine energies, or yin and yang qualities, that both parents can express.
Protector
The Father archetype protects the family from external dangers and creates safety and stability.
Beyond physical protection, the protective role also involves preparing children to navigate the world: teaching them how to respond to challenges, setbacks, conflicts, strangers, risks, and disappointments.
The protective father also pays attention to the child’s wider environment — friendships, school, community, and social influences — helping the child develop discernment and resilience.
Provider
Traditionally, fathers were often responsible for providing material security: food, shelter, clothing, and financial stability.
On a deeper level, the provider role also symbolises the capacity to create structure, support growth, and help future generations flourish.
Guide and Disciplinarian
The father role also involves guidance, direction, and healthy discipline.
Fathers often encourage children to develop self-control, resilience, responsibility, and the ability to pursue meaningful goals. Healthy discipline is not about domination or fear; it is about helping children mature and prepare for adult life.
The Father in Myths and Archetypes
The old stories describe the Father principle in many forms.
The positive Father archetype represents:
wisdom
protection
justice
grounded authority
rationality
guidance
inspiration
healthy structure
We recognise these qualities in images of benevolent kings, wise elders, protectors, healers, and guides.
The mature masculine protects and guides without violating others’ autonomy.
However, every archetype also has a shadow side.
The shadow Father appears when protection turns into control, guidance becomes domination, or authority becomes rigid and emotionally distant. In its unhealthy form, the negative Father archetype can manifest as coldness, abuse of power, harsh judgment, or emotional absence.
Lessons from Family Constellations
In Family Constellations work, the father is often understood as our first connection to masculine energy and to the outer world.
As children, we naturally long for connection with both parents. When the relationship with the father becomes disrupted — through absence, rejection, conflict, trauma, or emotional distance — this can affect how we relate to ourselves and to life.
Rejecting the father often means rejecting parts of ourselves as well. Since we are biologically connected to both parents, denying one parent may unconsciously create feelings of inner division, emptiness, or lack of belonging.
Addictions and the Inner Void
Bert Hellinger observed that addictive behaviours can sometimes be connected to unresolved dynamics with the father.
From a systemic perspective, addictions may reflect an attempt to fill an inner emptiness or longing for grounding, support, direction, or connection.
“Addictions have Father’s face.” — Bert Hellinger
This does not mean that all addictions are caused by father wounds. Human suffering is always complex and multifaceted. However, father-related dynamics can be an important element in some people’s healing journeys.
Searching for the Father Elsewhere
A weakened connection to the father principle may also manifest as an excessive search for authority figures, teachers, gurus, leaders, or spiritual masters.
In these situations, an adult may unconsciously seek the guidance, protection, or certainty they missed earlier in life. This can sometimes lead to dependency, loss of inner authority, or difficulty trusting one’s own perception and intuition.
Loyalty to the Mother
In early childhood, we initially experience the world largely through our mother’s emotional reality.
If the mother carries unresolved pain, anger, or disappointment toward the father, children may unconsciously adopt her perception and distance themselves from him as well.
In Family Constellations work, this dynamic is frequently observed.
For some boys, rejecting their father may later affect their relationships with masculine energy, independence, confidence, and intimacy.
For some girls, unresolved father dynamics may influence how they perceive men and relationships, sometimes repeating unconscious relational patterns across generations.
These patterns are rarely conscious. They are often expressions of deep loyalty and love within the family system.
Accepting the Father
From a systemic perspective, healing does not necessarily mean approving of everything a father has done.
Some fathers were absent, abusive, violent, addicted, or emotionally unavailable. Acknowledging this reality is important.
Yet inwardly accepting the father means recognising that life came through him. It means allowing ourselves access to the masculine qualities connected to the Father principle without denying our own pain or history.
When masculine and feminine energies become deeply imbalanced within us, many aspects of life can feel difficult: relationships, work, confidence, direction, boundaries, or emotional stability.
For inner balance, we need a connection to both dimensions.
Healing Through Systemic Ritual
For many people, embracing the father inwardly can be a difficult and emotional process.
This is where archetypal work and Systemic Ritual may offer support.
The positive Father images found in myths, stories, and archetypes can help restore access to healthy masculine qualities such as protection, clarity, courage, stability, and direction.
In Systemic Ritual, connecting with the archetypal Father may gently support healing without forcing direct confrontation with the biological father — especially in cases involving trauma, violence, or abuse.
By working with symbolic and archetypal images, a person may gradually reconnect with healthy masculine energy and reclaim inner strength and grounding.
“Thank you, Dad, for giving me the courage to follow my dreams, the strength to face adversities, the voice to set boundaries, the clarity to discern, and the confidence to succeed.” — Marina Toledo
By Susanne Hazen, author Leerboek Familieopstellingen
The relationship with your mother plays a fundamental role in how you connect with others in intimate relationships. The way you are internally connected to her can shape how you experience love, closeness, safety, and dependency in your adult partnerships.
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The Parent–Child Relationship as the Foundation
No parent is perfect. A child’s needs are vast, while parents are naturally limited in what they can provide. Even the most loving and aware parent cannot meet every need. Parents give what they are able to give — based on their own capacity, history, and life circumstances. And this does not always fully align with what a child needs.
As a result, many people carry what could be described as an “inner space of unmet needs.”
Often unconsciously, we long for someone else to fill that space.
Falling in Love: The Illusion of Fulfilment
At some point, we fall in love.
There can be a strong sense of recognition, connection, and even a feeling of “coming home.” It may feel as though we have finally met someone who truly sees us and can give us what we have been missing.
However, in many cases, we are not seeing the other person fully.
We are looking through the lens of our desires, expectations, and earlier experiences. The deeper the unmet need, the stronger the tendency to idealise the other.
Desire can cloud perception.
When the initial intensity of falling in love fades, and the other person cannot meet these deeper needs, feelings of disappointment may arise. Old emotions — including pain or anger — can surface and become directed toward the partner.
Why Relationship Patterns Repeat
At that point, different responses are possible:
Ending the relationship and seeking a new partner
Becoming discouraged and losing trust in relationships
Or turning inward through self-reflection
The latter often opens the door to more sustainable change.
By developing awareness and taking responsibility for your own inner experience, space is created for a different kind of connection — one that is less driven by expectation and more grounded in reality.
An important part of this process is exploring your early relationships, especially the one with your mother.
We Bring Our History Into Our Relationships
When two people enter a relationship, they each bring their own background — including family dynamics, cultural influences, and emotional history.
In that sense, a relationship is the meeting of two inner worlds.
When these worlds are not easily integrated, tension can arise. Sometimes this may lead to recurring conflict or even separation.
Often, these conflicts are not only about the present moment, but are connected to earlier, unresolved experiences.
Understanding Intense Emotional Reactions
Anger, in itself, is a natural and healthy emotion. It helps us set boundaries and respond when something feels off.
However, when emotional reactions seem disproportionate to the situation, it may point to something deeper.
We then speak of disproportionate anger — anger that is “contaminated” with old emotions. These reactions can be connected to:
earlier life experiences, particularly in childhood
or patterns that have been carried through generations
This “contaminated” anger shows up as intense emotional reactions that don’t match the situation. When conflict arises in a relationship and one or both partners display disproportionate anger, it is often not about the conflict itself. Instead, the conflict acts as a trigger for old childhood emotions, the inner child making itself known, or even inherited anger from previous generations. In the latter case, it is as if entire lines of ancestors — who have carried this anger for generations — become visible through that emotional outburst.
Without awareness, these patterns can be difficult to recognize, let alone change.
The Mother Wound in Relationships
Many relational patterns can be traced back to one primary relationship: the relationship with the mother.
From a systemic perspective, it is often observed that:
Women may unconsciously relate to both parental figures through their partner
Men may more strongly project aspects of their mother onto their partner
In other words, our partners can, at times, represent unresolved dynamics from earlier relationships.
Unmet Needs and Expectations in Relationships
When early relationships are experienced as incomplete, an unconscious expectation can arise:
“You should give me what I didn’t receive.”
However, no partner can fully meet these deeper, earlier needs.
When this expectation is present, it can lead to disappointment, frustration, and tension within the relationship.
And sometimes, it doesn’t stop there.
What You Didn’t Receive From Your Parents, You Cannot Get From Your Partner
Parentification: When Children Fill the Void
If unmet needs are not fulfilled by the partner (and, once more, the partner cannot), they may be unconsciously shifted onto children.
A mother may look to her son to fulfil what she missed in her relationship with her own parents
A father may do the same with his daughter
Children are then placed in a position that does not belong to them. They are no longer seen for who they truly are, but are pushed into a role that makes them bigger or more capable than they can be.
After all, they are just children.
Children are highly sensitive to their parents’ emotional states and needs. Out of love and loyalty, they may try to meet needs that are not theirs to carry. They begin to take care of their parent, a dynamic known as parentification.
While this often happens unconsciously, it can create inner conflict. Over time, this may lead to confusion, emotional tension, and suppressed anger — which can later surface in adult relationships.
The Impact on Adult Relationships
These early dynamics can influence how we relate to others later in life.
Daughters may struggle in relationships with men
Sons may struggle in relationships with women
The anger that actually belongs to the parent is projected onto the partner.
At the same time, there can be an unconscious tendency to choose partners who resemble aspects of our parents — as if attempting to resolve something unfinished.
However, this often reinforces the pattern rather than resolving it.
Healing the Mother Wound for a Healthy Relationship
As long as we expect a partner to resolve our earlier pain, we may remain in a dynamic that resembles the parent–child relationship.
A more mature form of love becomes possible when we take responsibility for our own inner world.
Healing the mother wound — and, for women, also the father wound — can support a deeper and more balanced connection.
Not because another person completes us, but because we develop the capacity to be present with ourselves.
In Closing: What Is True Connection?
It is not necessary to be “fully healed” to be in a relationship. Many relationships function because partners are aligned in their level of awareness and development.
At the same time, personal growth can shift relational dynamics. Sometimes partners grow together — and sometimes they grow in different directions.
In relationships where unresolved pain remains largely unconscious, there can be a tendency toward fusion — where boundaries become unclear, and individuals lose a sense of themselves.
This can feel like closeness, but it is often a way of avoiding deeper discomfort.
Over time, this may lead to unhealthy or even unsafe dynamics.
True connection emerges when two individuals can stand side by side — each grounded in themselves, while remaining open to the other.
By Susanne Hazen, author Leerboek Familieopstellingen
There are wounds you cannot see, yet they deeply shape how you live, love, and experience yourself. The mother wound is one of them. It develops in the relationship with your mother and can show up in subtle, but also very visible ways, in your daily life.
Your mother is your first connection to life. Through her, you receive not only physical nourishment but also your first experience of love, safety, and belonging. She is the foundation in which you learn whether you are welcome, whether you are allowed to receive, and whether you can trust that life will support you.
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In systemic work and family constellations, the relationship with the mother is seen as a key foundation for your inner balance. This connection influences your ability to receive love, to allow abundance, and to feel supported by life itself. When this bond is disrupted or damaged, it can affect different areas of your life: your relationships, your work, and how truly alive you feel.
In this article, you will discover what the mother wound is, how to recognise it, and which inner movements can support healing.
The Mother Wound
The mother wound refers to emotional pain that arises when, as a child, you were not fully seen, heard, or supported by your mother.
This can have different causes:
An absent or emotionally distant mother This can leave a deep sense of emptiness and make it difficult to truly receive love.
An overprotective mother When there was little room for autonomy, it may later lead to insecurity and difficulty making your own decisions.
Experienced rejection This can translate into a deep fear of abandonment or a feeling of not truly belonging.
Exclusion within the system When your mother herself was excluded, judged, or not acknowledged, you may unconsciously carry part of that burden.
In systemic work, this is called entanglement: unconscious connections in which you carry something that does not belong to you. Without realizing it, you are no longer fully standing in your own place.
The First Mirror
As a child, you are completely dependent. You learn who you are through the eyes of your mother. She is your first mirror.
When that mirror is incomplete or distorted, beliefs may form such as:
I am not good enough
I have to adapt to receive love
My needs do not matter
These beliefs settle deeply within you and often travel unconsciously into adulthood.
How to Recognize the Mother Wound
The mother wound often becomes visible through recurring patterns, such as:
difficulty setting boundaries
focusing strongly on others while neglecting yourself
sensitivity to rejection or criticism
perfectionism or a strong need to prove yourself
difficulty receiving (love, help, recognition)
a deep, hard-to-place sense of longing or lack
You may also notice that you:
feel responsible for others very quickly
take on emotions that are not yours
feel like you have to do everything on your own
keep longing for something you never fully received
These are signals that something within you still wants to be seen, acknowledged, and felt.
The Impact on Your Life
The relationship with your mother forms the foundation of how safe you feel in the world. When that foundation is unstable, it often affects multiple layers of your life:
your self-image
your relationships
your sense of self-worth
your ability to trust
It is important to realize: what once developed can also begin to shift. Healing is possible.
The Movement Toward Healing
Healing the mother wound is not a quick fix. It is an inner process that unfolds step by step. Within systemic work and family constellations, several movements can support this process.
Taking Your Mother as She Is
An important step in healing is learning to take your mother as she is: with her strengths, her limitations, and her pain.
This does not mean you have to approve of everything. Nor does it mean you cannot set boundaries. It means that, internally, you stop fighting the reality of who she was or still is.
This inner movement may sound like:
You are my mother. From you, I received life. I take you as my mother.
This shift does not happen overnight. But within this movement, a sense of peace often begins to arise. There is more space, more softness, and a deeper connection with yourself.
Returning What Is Not Yours
Many children, often out of love, carry something of their mother’s pain. They try to ease her suffering, compensate for what was missing, or unconsciously carry her burden. But a child cannot truly carry the mother’s load.
In family constellations, it can be healing to return what does not belong to you, in a respectful and gentle way.
For example, with inner sentences such as:
I wanted to carry something for you, but I cannot. I give it back to you.
I have felt your pain as if it were mine. Now I leave it with you. I am the child, and you are the parent.
In returning what is not yours, a sense of relief often arises — not only for you, but within the system as a whole.
Taking Your Own Place
Within every family system, there are natural orders that give direction to each person’s place. When this order is disrupted, it can create inner tension or confusion.
Children need their own place: as children in relation to their parents — not above them, not in between them, and not in the role of rescuer, partner, or caretaker. When you reclaim your own place, a sense of calm often follows. You no longer have to carry what does not belong to you, and you can simply be the child.
Reconnecting with the Mother Energy
The mother is not only about the person herself, but also about what is often called the mother energy in systemic work: receiving, being held, nourishment, softness, and permission to exist.
When the relationship with your mother is wounded, access to this energy can also be disrupted. Through systemic work, it becomes possible to reconnect with this inner source, allowing you to experience more support, acceptance, and trust.
Healing does not always mean that the relationship with your mother changes in the outside world. Often, the most important shift happens within you.
Returning to Yourself
As the relationship with your mother comes more into balance, a greater openness to life often emerges. Where the mother wound once pulled you away from yourself, healing invites you to return.
This means:
learning to feel and acknowledge your own needs
taking your boundaries seriously
developing gentleness toward yourself
exploring and releasing old beliefs
In a way, you learn to “mother” yourself: with care, presence, and compassion.
Your Inner Child
An essential part of this process is reconnecting with your inner child — the part of you that once lacked something, and is still present within you.
By consciously connecting with what you needed back then, you can begin to offer it to yourself now:
comfort
acknowledgment
safety
love
This is not a quick solution, but a process of gently peeling back layer by layer — learning to listen again to what has long remained unseen within you.
Final Thoughts
Healing the mother wound is not a straight path, and it has no fixed endpoint. It is a movement inward — toward truth, softness, and space.
Perhaps that is the essence: that you gradually begin to give yourself what you once missed. Not by returning to how it should have been, but by becoming more present with what is alive within you now.
Because you are worthy of meeting yourself — fully, and exactly as you are.
In future blog posts, we will explore these dynamics further through the lens of Family Constellations. Don’t forget to follow me!!!
By Susanne Hazen, author Leerboek Familieopstellingen
For every person, the family of origin plays a fundamental role in their development. At a very basic level, we all have a deep, instinctive need to belong. Our survival depends on being part of a group — a system that protects us, supports us, and allows us to exist.
The first and often most important group we belong to is our family of origin.
Within this family, the mother holds a unique and essential position.
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Mother is our first connection to life
This article is about Mother.
When I refer to “Mother” (with a capital M), I am not referring to a real, individual mother. I am referring to the symbolic or archetypal meaning of Mother — the image we carry within our psyche.
Across cultures, myths, and fairytales, this image of Mother appears again and again. It is a universal symbol that shapes how we perceive motherhood, what we expect from our own mother, and what we may expect from ourselves if we become a mother.
Our personal experience is shaped by the internalisation of our real mother, but is also influenced by this broader, universal image of Mother.
Sometimes, without fully realising it, we move between these two layers — what was and what we believe should have been.
In this article, we explore the concept of Mother and the roles associated with her, as well as basic dynamics from the perspective of Family Constellations.
The primary roles of the Mother
Several key roles are associated with Mother:
Childcare
Unconditional love and emotional support
Creating harmony
Managing the household
Passing on family traditions and values
Of course, in modern families, these roles can also be fulfilled by fathers or other caregivers. However, on the level of archetypes, these qualities are associated with the feminine principle — the energy that creates connection, safety, and continuity within the family.
The feminine principle is primarily centred around the home — the inner world of the family — while the masculine principle is traditionally more oriented toward the outside world.
Childcare
Mother plays a central role in caring for and raising children. This role has a biological basis: only mothers can breastfeed their children.
Beyond physical care, she also guides, educates, and acts as a role model. She not only teaches practical skills, but also transmits moral values, ethics, and ways of relating to the world.
In many ways, this is where a child first learns what it means to be in a relationship — with themselves, with others, and with life.
Unconditional love and emotional support
Another key role associated with Mother is that of providing unconditional love and emotional support.
She offers comfort, attention, and a sense of safety. She creates space for emotions, listens, and helps family members process stress, worries, and personal challenges.
In doing so, she supports not only the children. This supportive role extends to the partner – Father – as well. By serving as a sparring partner and creating a stable, peaceful home environment, Father is better equipped to fulfil responsibilities in the outside world.
In this way, the inner and outer worlds remain connected.
Harmony
Mother plays a central role in maintaining harmony within the family.
Feminine qualities such as empathy, emotional sensitivity, attentive listening, and the ability to regulate emotions contribute to resolving conflicts and creating a sense of connection between family members.
The focus here is on maintaining healthy relationships and a harmonious atmosphere within the home — a place where people can return to themselves.
Household management
Within the home, Mother is the organiser.
This includes managing daily routines, maintaining order, and ensuring that practical needs are met. But it goes beyond the material level. It also involves organising family quality time, creating structure, and supporting the quality of relationships between family members.
All of this contributes to a sense of stability and continuity within the family system.
Family traditions and values
Mother plays an important role in preserving and passing on family traditions and values.
She helps transmit culture, customs, and moral frameworks from one generation to the next. This may be expressed through rituals, celebrations, and shared practices that create continuity and a sense of belonging.
These moments, often simple in nature, can become anchors of connection over time.
The reality: no mother is perfect
It is important to recognise that no real mother fully embodies all of these roles.
No person is perfect — including mothers.
At the same time, our expectations are shaped by the archetypal image of Mother. This can create a gap between expectation and reality.
In addition, a child’s needs are, by nature, endless. No parent can fully meet all of these needs. Parents can only give what they are capable of giving, based on their own capacities, life circumstances, and personal history.
As a result, every person carries, to some extent, unmet needs.
These unmet needs do not simply disappear. They often find their way back — quietly — in how we relate to others, and to ourselves.
Part of becoming an adult is learning to acknowledge this and finding a way to come to terms with it.
Insights from Family Constellations
These early dynamics do not disappear over time — they continue to shape us, often outside of our awareness.
In the work of Family Constellations, the relationship with the mother is seen as essential.
According to Bert Hellinger, the mother represents our connection to life itself.
The way we relate to our mother has a direct impact on:
our self-esteem
our ability to receive (love, support, success, abundance)
When the relationship with the mother is “in peace” — meaning we can accept her as she is — it creates a sense of inner stability. From that place, we are generally more open to life and better able to build healthy relationships.
Often, this also brings a certain ease — as if life no longer has to be carried alone.
When the bond is more difficult, this can manifest as insecurity, emotional dependence, or challenges in forming and maintaining relationships.
Closing
The role of the mother is complex, layered, and deeply influential.
It is shaped by both personal experience and collective imagery. It includes both what was given and what may have been missing.
Understanding this dynamic is an important step in personal development.
Because ultimately, it is not only about what we received from our mother — but about how we relate to it in our lives today.
In future blog posts, we will explore these dynamics further through the lens of Family Constellations. Don’t forget to follow me!!!
In the previous article, I wrote about soul parts that, at some point in life, separated from our body and personality. Such a separation can leave behind a sense of emptiness and reduced vitality.
Systemic Ritual is one method that can help reconnect with these lost parts and, when the time is right, allow them to return.
But what actually happens after a ritual in which soul parts have been retrieved?
Many people report feeling more present after such a ritual: lighter, more alert, less dreamy, and stronger within themselves. It is also common for people to notice changes in their senses. Colours may appear brighter, sounds clearer, and smells more vivid.
In other words, there is often a renewed connection with the physical body. One feels more fully embodied again.
During the first few days, this can sometimes lead to a mild sense of disorientation. The healing still needs time to settle and find its place within the body and consciousness.
Similar experiences are sometimes reported after a family constellation. When an entanglement with an ancestor is released, it can also be understood as reclaiming a part of oneself. That part could not fully be present in the here and now because it was still connected to the trauma of a parent or ancestor.
Once the entanglement is resolved, that part can return to the present moment and take its place again in the client’s body and personality.
The Importance of Care and Timing
After a soul retrieval ritual, people may also find themselves feeling more emotional. When a lost soul part returns, the memory of the event that caused it to leave may also reappear — sometimes immediately, sometimes later.
For this reason, it is important to approach soul retrieval with care, especially in cases of severe trauma. A soul part that left because of a deep or overwhelming experience cannot always simply be brought back right away.
Sometimes the soul part itself first needs healing. In some traditions, it is said that a soul part may need to be brought to a place of healing — almost like a spiritual hospital — where it can recover before returning.
It is also essential that the client is strong enough to receive and care for the returning soul part. The environment must feel safe enough for the soul part to come back.
Welcoming Little Susanne
After a soul retrieval, many different emotions can arise: joy, sadness, anger, or even rage. These emotions are often connected to the process of remembering and integrating what has returned. And that process can take time.
During one of my own soul retrievals, I encountered my two-year-old self — the little Susanne.
In a visualisation, I saw her in a beautiful forest surrounded by cats, horses, birds, flowers, wide grassy fields, and streams of clear water. There were even two little gnomes there — Bop and Mieke, as she called them.
This was where she had hidden herself.
And she did not want to come back.
Over several weeks, I had to visit her again and again. Slowly, I befriended her and gently tried to convince her that it could also be safe and beautiful to return to the present moment — to my body and my personality.
Eventually, she agreed.
Welcome home, little Susanne.
When Memories Return
Shortly afterward I noticed an intense anger arising toward my mother and my older brother. I felt certain it was connected to the little Susanne who had returned.
When I spoke with her again, a memory surfaced.
I was two years old. My brother, who was five at the time, was playing roughly with me. The play got out of hand. He placed a pillow over my face and lay on top of it.
I could not breathe.
My small body fought to survive and suddenly found the strength to throw him off. I remember seeing the shock on his face before he ran away.
After that, everything went black.
My body survived — but a part of my soul had had enough and left.
When this memory returned, panic and fear surfaced again, followed by deep anger. Anger toward my brother for what had happened, and toward my mother for not having been there. Where had she been? Why had no one seen what was happening?
At first, I tried to comfort my younger self with rational explanations. I told her that it had been an accident and that a five-year-old child cannot fully understand the consequences of such actions.
But this was not what she needed.
My words did not acknowledge her fear, panic, anger, and sadness. She did not feel heard — and she disappeared again to her safe place in the forest with Bop and Mieke.
So once again, I had to go and bring her back.
This time I listened. Together we felt the fear again, the panic, the anger. We cried and cursed. And we honoured what had happened.
And we thanked my body — because it was my body that had saved me. Not my mind, but the instinct of my body had found the strength to survive.
Integration
After a soul retrieval ritual, the work is not yet finished. In many ways, it is only the beginning of the integration process.
A part of you that has been separated for years needs time to find its place again. It wants to be seen, heard, and respected.
There are many ways to support this process.
You can regularly connect with the returned soul part, for example, through visualisation or inner dialogue. If you are unfamiliar with this process, working with a therapist can be helpful.
Taking good care of yourself can also be very supportive. The soul part once left because there was not enough safety, joy, or space. By consciously creating moments of safety, rest, and pleasure, you show that these qualities are now present.
Bodywork can also be beneficial. Practices such as massage, shiatsu, acupuncture, or emotional bodywork help restore the flow of energy in the body. Trauma is often stored in the body, and when a soul part returns, the body may also begin to release long-held tensions.
Creative expression can also support integration. The drawings included in these articles are my own. I created them intuitively after a soul retrieval. One drawing expresses how I felt a kind of “body” settling inside me. Other drawings reflect how I cared for the returned soul part by travelling with it in visualisations to warm, safe places where we could spend time together.
In some situations, it may also be wise to seek support from a psychotherapist or counsellor after a session. Especially when deep trauma is involved, professional guidance can help process what emerges.
Soul retrieval is not an endpoint.
It is the beginning of a journey — a journey of coming home to yourself.
Many people know the feeling that something is missing inside them, without being able to explain exactly what it is. As if a part of their energy, aliveness, or presence was left somewhere along the way.
In many shamanic traditions, this phenomenon is called soul loss: the idea that parts of our soul can separate from us when experiences become too overwhelming or painful. According to these traditions, the loss of soul parts may contribute to feelings of emptiness, reduced vitality, and sometimes even physical or psychological complaints.
The process of bringing these parts back — soul retrieval — is seen as a way to reconnect with our life force and restore a sense of inner wholeness.
When we speak of the soul in this context, we refer to an immaterial aspect of our being connected to our life energy. This aspect contains emotions, memories, experiences, and feelings. In that sense, the concept resembles what in some spiritual traditions is referred to as the astral body, rather than the concept of the soul as it is described in many religious traditions.
When Soul Parts Are Missing
When a part of the soul has separated, it can feel as if less life energy is available. People sometimes describe this as a feeling that “something is missing.” Energy may flow less freely, inspiration may diminish, and the sense of connection with life may weaken.
When the soul is fully present, a person often appears clear, vibrant, and radiant. When parts are missing, it may feel as if a piece of our inner vitality is no longer directly accessible.
Often — usually unconsciously — we try to find these lost parts again. This can show up in dreams or daydreams, in a search for spiritual or healing practices, or in relationships where we repeatedly recognise something that touches us deeply. Sometimes others mirror precisely those parts of ourselves that we have lost.
This ongoing search can require a great deal of energy.
How Can Soul Parts Become Lost?
According to shamanic traditions, soul parts may separate when a situation becomes too overwhelming, painful, or stressful. It can be understood as a protective mechanism of the psyche.
Soul loss may arise, for example, through:
prolonged stress or burnout
not living in alignment with your deeper desires or life purpose
traumatic or life-changing events
the loss of a loved one
miscarriage or abortion
an accident or surgery
sudden shock or intense fear
jealousy
Some spiritual traditions also hold the idea that soul parts may temporarily “leave” when an experience is too difficult to endure fully. In this way, the person is protected from overwhelming emotions or experiences.
In certain shamanic traditions, it is also said that a soul part can be taken or “stolen” by another person.
Possible Symptoms of Soul Loss
People experiencing soul loss may recognise some of the following feelings or symptoms:
a lack of vitality or joy for life
the feeling of not being fully present in life
feeling “absent” after a traumatic or impactful event
after a breakup, the feeling that part of you is still with the other person
dissociation or depersonalisation
difficulty remembering certain events
persistent feelings of emptiness or depression
Not everyone will experience these signs in the same way, but within shamanic traditions, these experiences are sometimes seen as indications that a part of the soul has withdrawn.
Bringing Back Soul Parts: Soul Retrieval
What is Soul Retrieval?
In shamanism, various rituals and methods exist to restore lost soul parts. This process is known as soul retrieval.
During this process, contact is made with the lost soul part, with the intention of inviting it to return and reintegrate into the person as a whole. The purpose is to restore the connection with one’s life force.
Within the method of Systemic Ritual, it is also possible to make contact with lost soul parts and create space for these parts to return, be welcomed, and reintegrated.
When lost parts of the soul return, this can contribute to a renewed sense of wholeness, vitality, and connection — with yourself, with others, with the earth, and with life as a whole.
In many traditions, soul retrieval is seen as a process of coming home: reconnecting with parts of yourself that were once lost along the way.
Literature: Ingerman, S. Soul Retrieval. Mending the Fragmented Self.
About the physical, etheric, astral and mental body
Many spiritual and philosophical traditions hold that human beings are more than just physical bodies. In shamanism, anthroposophy, and Hinduism, for example, the human being is seen as composed of several layers or bodies. Exactly which bodies are distinguished varies from tradition to tradition, but the idea that human beings consist of more than matter alone can be found in many cultures.
The physical body is the body we can see and touch. The other bodies are more subtle and cannot be perceived with the naked eye. Yet we can experience and become aware of them, for example, through Systemic Ritual.
Systemic Ritual is a method through which we can experience these different layers of our existence by means of ritual and systemic work. (see /what-is-systemic-ritual/)
All these bodies require care and nourishment. They are constantly active, interwoven with one another and influencing each other. When a disturbance occurs in one body, it affects the others as well.
At the centre of this whole system is a sense of “I” or “me”: our personality. Here we find our consciousness and our capacity for self-reflection. From this place we think, speak and choose our actions. The “I” can reflect, learn, make plans and change itself.
Our personality perceives the different bodies as one coherent whole. It selects and integrates the experiences and information coming from these layers. Only what is meaningful to us reaches our conscious awareness. In this way, our “I” forms the lens through which we perceive reality and interpret the events around us.
In my workshops, I work with the following bodies.
The physical body
The physical body is what we can see and feel. It consists of our skin, muscles, bones and organs, as well as all the neurological and hormonal processes that take place within our body. It is the tangible, material aspect of our existence.
The etheric body
The etheric body can be seen as a fine network of energy pathways. It permeates and surrounds the physical body and supplies our cells with life energy. The meridians referred to in Traditional Chinese Medicine are part of this etheric body.
The physical and etheric bodies can be strengthened through healthy nutrition, physical movement, spending time in nature, breathing exercises, acupuncture, Qi Gong, music and singing.
In people who are chronically ill or dying, the etheric body gradually begins to detach from the physical body. When the etheric body completely leaves the physical body, the physical body ceases to exist. According to various traditions, the etheric body remains present for six to seven days after death, after which this layer also dissolves.
The astral body
The astral body contains our feelings, perceptions, impulses, thoughts and memories. It is the body in which we experience emotions.
The astral body also speaks the language of symbols and dreams. Both nighttime dreams and daydreams take place in this layer of our being.
This body has no fixed form and can change easily. It can even temporarily separate from the physical body and move beyond it.
Through the astral body, we can also pick up the emotions and thoughts of others. It functions somewhat like a tuning fork: it resonates not only with our own inner world but also — usually unconsciously — with what is happening in our surroundings.
The astral body can be strengthened through creative activities such as painting, music or other forms of expression. Consciously recalling memories that evoke love, joy, or gratitude also nourishes this layer.
What we see and experience also has an influence. Witnessing violence or negativity can weaken the astral body. For that reason, it can sometimes be helpful to consciously choose where we direct our attention. Regularly avoiding negative news may, in that sense, be healthier than it is often thought to be.
According to some traditions, the astral body can continue to exist for some time after the death of the physical body. In cases of sudden or unexpected death, this layer may remain connected to the earthly realm for a period of time.
The mental body
The mental body can be understood as the structure that enables thinking. It is not the thinking itself, but the underlying framework in which thoughts, dreams and associations can arise.
Within the mental body, we find our patterns. Patterns are automatic connections between perception, recognition and feeling. Pathways are formed in which past experiences, beliefs and emotions become linked and lead to automatic reactions.
Methods such as Neuro-Linguistic Programming, hypnotherapy and affirmations work with these structures.
The mental body can be strengthened through activities that bring order and structure, such as solving puzzles, organising things, rhythmic exercises or meditation. These activities help bring calmness and clarity to our thinking.
The soul
The soul is our deepest and purest experience of “me”. It is not the ego, but the essential part of ourselves that is timeless and formless.
In many traditions, the soul is also seen as consisting of several layers, such as a personal soul, a family soul, a group soul and a universal soul. I will write more about this in a future blog.
The soul can be nourished through meditation, beautiful music, the experience of beauty and moments of genuine connection with others and with the world around us.
In my workshops, I work with these different layers. Through Systemic Ritual, movement, and focused attention, we can become aware of these bodies, strengthen them, and reconnect them with one another.
When these layers begin to work together in greater harmony, people often experience more calm, vitality and inner space.
Bronnen: Aaldijk, K. Voeding voor de ziel. Spiegelbeeld, mei 2007 Van Kampenhout, D. Beelden van de ziel. Over de werking van de ziel in sjamanistische rituelen en familieopstellingen http://www.ankh-homeopathie.nl/pagina.php?id=16
Systemic Ritual and Systemic Constellations 