By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: shelby-deeter–XlBjdtRqK8-unsplash.jpg
In the previous blog, I wrote about balance and disbalance in relationships and what impact this has on a relationship. It is about giving and taking, but what if one person gives much more than the other? I’ll tell you more in this blog by describing situations that impact the current relationship if nobody pays attention to it.
Sexual needs
There can be a disbalance in the need for sex. In general, one of the partners has a higher sex drive than the other. What helps is that the other person then says: “Thank you for your need for me. Even when I am – at this moment – not available for you.”
Do you want to know more about how a constellation or Systemic Ritual can work for you? During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or practices. In that way, you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series in Amsterdam ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
Already a facilitator and want more tools? Maybe the course is something for you: Course Systemic Ritual
Affair
In general, an affair is a symptom of something missing in a relationship. A good sentence for the partner who cheated on his/her partner can be:
“I had an affair, but what I was looking for in this other person, I wished to get from you.”
The other person can answer with:
“I’m sorry I didn’t have enough attention for you.”
Both partners have to take up their share of the responsibility for what happened. This way, the guilt will be shared. A form of revenge can be needed from the other person to let the love flow again. An appropriate compensation can be to confide in a friend and tell him/her about the situation.
Abortion (or miscarriage)
Abortion has a lot of impact on a relationship. This is often overlooked. The aborted child must be given a place in the family. The relationship is at risk in the event of an abortion or a miscarriage, unless the parents take responsibility and grieve together.
Healing sentences can be – in the case of abortion: “We have both asked you to leave and we carry our responsibility. We now take you in our hearts completely and grieve together.”
In case of a spontaneous miscarriage: “We would have loved to see you come into our lives, but unfortunately, you had to leave. You have a spot in our hearts and in our family. We carry this loss together and grieve together.”
Sometimes a woman terminates the pregnancy without telling her partner. This, too, has to be acknowledged.
Infertility
When one of the partners is infertile in a heterosexual relationship, it can become a big problem for both partners.
Healing sentences are when the infertile partner says to the other: “This is my fate. I carry it completely. You are free to stay, but you are also free to go.” If the partner stays: “Thank you for staying. This is a big gift to me.”
Partners of equal sex who want to have a baby, need a third party who donates the sperm or egg, or wants to carry the baby until it is born (in a man-man relationship). It is of great interest for the partners and the child that this third person is acknowledged and honoured. This also counts for heterosexual couples who have had a baby through a donor.
Mixed families
A huge change will happen when two families come together, and partners bring children from a former relationship. The former partners must have a place in the new, mixed family.
Constellations can help in such a case because they offer a multidimensional perspective for mixed families. The question for all people (partners, children) is usually: “Where is my place?”
For a facilitator of the constellation, it is important to look for that order which brings the most harmony between all people involved. It is crucial to keep the natural order in mind. There are some ‘rules’ for this natural order. These rules were developed from and have been proven to be the most harmonious in thousands of family constellations.
An important finding is that a new family system takes precedence over an earlier family system. This means that a new relationship from which children are born takes precedence over the previous family system. However, the children born in an earlier relationship of a partner have priority over the new partner.
Healing sentences for the new partner can include: “I chose you with your children. We all come together. I agree that you give your children precedence over me, as I came into your lives at a later stage.”
This was level 1 of systemic impact: what happened in the current relationship that didn’t get any attention.
In the next blog, I’ll describe level 2 of systemic impact: previous relationships.
Systemic Ritual and Systemic Constellations 