Systemic Ritual and Systemic Constellations

Multiple souls

Photo:
Design: Alma Mekking
Paintings by: David Ridley

Every culture and religion believes in a concept of the soul or whatever it is called. There is a belief that we are more than our body and that we also have a soul, which continues after the body’s death and returns to where it once came from.
In shamanistic traditions, it is believed that we do not have one soul, but several souls as human beings. The ideas about how many or which and how they are called differ per culture.
In this article, I make a distinction between:
– the family soul
– the tribal soul or collective soul
– the individual soul
– the universal soul

If you want to learn more about Systemic Ritual and working with the concept of the Soul: See:

Strengthening the soul by means of Systemic Ritual

This classification is based on the work of Daan van Kampenhout and is also described in his book: The tears of the ancestors.

The family soul

The family soul becomes visible during a family constellation. The family forms a system, and everyone within that system is interconnected. Every person in a family is connected to all other relatives. One also remains connected with those from the family who have been excluded or rejected. Everyone carries the energies within the family. This means that if a disturbance occurs, for example, an accident or an untimely death of a family member, it will affect everyone in the family and efforts will be made to compensate for this disturbance. This often happens because one or more family members take on a burden that does not belong to them. They help carry that burden out of love and loyalty to the family.
The sickening thing about it is that one cannot bear the burden of another. One is only strong enough to carry one’s own burden. This mechanism is called entanglement. Entanglements within a family weaken and disrupt or obscure the deeper order.
A family constellation makes the entanglements, conflicts and tensions of a family visible. These are energies that often unconsciously determine the course of affairs within a family. A constellation usually also shows the way to the solution of the problem.
The family soul can also be called family karma.

The tribal soul or collective soul

We are not only part of our family system but also of several collective fields. These collective fields are not connected to each other. The boundaries between tribal fields are strong and aim to remain intact. This is called the tribal soul or collective soul.
Each tribe that defines itself in words of “what we have in common” and “in which we differ from ….” has formed its own tribal soul. As a person, you are usually part of different tribal souls. Think of: possessing a nationality or coming from a certain region, being part of a religious community, being part of an association, being part of a school, etc.
Within a particular ‘tribal soul’, certain aspects of yourself come to the fore more than others. For example, you work at a bank, and in your spare time, you immerse yourself in shamanism. You probably don’t show that side of yourself at work. And during seminars on shamanism or other spiritual matters, you may not want to say that you enjoy your job as a bank mortgage seller. This is the impact of the ‘tribal soul’.
A tribal soul disappears after the group falls apart. Some tribal souls are very powerful – think, for example, of nationalities and religious communities.
There are ‘hard cores’ in the tribal soul. Groups that only look inward cannot or do not want to enter into a relationship with others. These hard (i.e. fundamentalist) group cores do not allow individuation, i.e. this hardcore does not tolerate dissenting opinions or behaviour from its group members. We know this from religious communities, but the same thing happens within football clubs and other associations or between political ‘camps’.

The individual soul

This is the part of ‘I as an individual’ – autonomous, independent of others. Your values and truths, your personal experience are the most important for you here.
If you believe in reincarnation, you might add that this is the part of your soul that appears, evolves and leaves again and again at different times in different places on this earth.

The universal soul

This is the deep realization that we are universal beings, one with the whole—timeless, formless, equal, absence of ‘I’ and absence of the polarities.
This is also referred to as ‘the great soul’ by Bert Hellinger. At this level, everything and everyone is connected.

Inspired by: Van Kampenhout, D. Tears of the ancestors.

What is the effect of a family constellation?

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)

By reading the previous blogs you know now:
– what a family constellation is
– how it works
– what the role of a representative is in this process.

A family constellation is a powerful experience that enables people to gain deep insights into their problems and how these can be – unconsciously – related to family members.

But what effect can a family constellation have on you as a participant? I will tell you more about it in this blog so that you can participate – well prepared – in a family constellation.

Interested in Family constellations or Systemic Ritual?
During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. We will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See: Course in Systemic Ritual.

When a person becomes more familiar with family constellations, he or she may develop a desire to view family photos or visit relatives. This awakening of the family spirit comes from finding connection and respect for family members. A constellation can even lead to setting up a special place in the house with photos and other memories.
The process of going through a family constellation can lead to a change in attitude towards parents, relatives, and the world around us. Judgments, prejudices, arrogance, and strong opinions give way to respect and humility. The participant learns to accept others as they are and lets go of the need to change them.
Attending seminars in family constellations encourages people to take their own responsibility. Instead of blaming others, they learn to recognize and bear their own responsibility. This is a challenging but essential process for personal growth.
Understanding of other cultures: When representatives in constellations regularly take up roles from other cultures, this can lead to a better understanding and familiarity with different structures and cultures. It opens the mind to diversity and increases intercultural understanding.
Family constellations can lead to a changed inner attitude towards parents, brothers, sisters and partners (even if the relationship has ended). There is more peace and acceptance. It doesn’t have to result in more contact. The feeling of belonging and that others are (or have become) important is the most essential.

Strong feelings can occur after a constellation. Therefore, the person submitting the question must have a point of contact, such as the facilitator or a therapist. This allows the questioner to share and process the emerging feelings as part of the therapeutic process.

Confusion and doubt can also arise after a line-up. This is because the old, familiar image – which was based on the perspective of the questioner (the client) – is being replaced by a new image.

This transformation can cause an inner struggle, with some parts of the questioner resisting the new image and wanting to hold on to the old. The new image represents a change that has not yet been experienced and the realization of the new image is not fully present. Crises and conflicts may still arise before the completion of this new image actually comes into effect. It is a process of growth and development that takes time and patience. But family constellations provide a valuable tool for gaining deep insights, breaking through emotional blocks, and promoting personal growth.

I also want to participate in a family constellation
Do you find this interesting, and would you like to experience a family constellation yourself as a representative, or do you have a question you would like to explore? Then sign up for the Hidden Dynamics workshop. In these workshops, we will explore (family) themes using Systemic Ritual and Family Constellations.

What (or who) is a representative, and what is its role during a family constellation?

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)

I explained in my previous blog how a family constellation works: a participant (also known as a client) brings in an issue about which he or she wants to gain clarity. Based on that question, a facilitator gets to work during a family constellation. The representative is an important part of this process, and I will tell you more about that in this blog.
The role of a representative during a family constellation is crucial. They are substitutes for real family members of the client. These representatives have several important advantages over actual family members.
One of the main advantages of representatives is that they are not biased; they have no personal relationship with the client and his family.

That is why they can look at the situation objectively – without the intervention of one’s ratio – and really feel their place in the line-up. This is important because many clients are often trapped in their perspective on the situation and their family members’ role in it. The client has been attached to this structure for a long time and consciously and unconsciously tries to defend it. By using representatives, who often show a different picture of the situation, the client can let his own perspective on the situation go and gain new insights simultaneously.

Representatives are also more flexible than the client’s actual family members. They are not trapped in the entrenched structures of the family and can, therefore, more easily sense and go along with changes within the energies of the knowing field. This allows the client to understand the dynamics within his family better. Any blockages can be identified and resolved with the help of the facilitator.

The representatives perceive the energies and thus have a serving function. It is up to them to communicate to the facilitator what their observations are. They can experience intense feelings but do not have to act them out. They just share them.

Representatives also have a steering function. They serve as a compass for the facilitator, indicating whether an intervention is appropriate or not, based on their immediate perception.

Who can be a representative?

Anyone can be a representative; no special knowledge or gifts are required. The place within the ‘knowing field’ in which the representative is placed has its own power. While each representative has their own way of expressing things, experience can play a role in accurately entering the knowing field. With more experience, a representative can become faster and more precise in their expression.

Representatives experience feelings that indicate what relationships are like. For example, a representative can just feel good, or feel wobbly, sad, or angry.

Many people like to represent because they do something for their fellow man. For example, it can already be a relief for the client to see how his representative expresses the same feelings as those that the client himself must deal with in daily life. Seeing this will not change one’s feelings, but this insight alone is liberating.

It is also possible that representatives have experiences that they do not know from their own lives, such as those of a proud great-grandmother, a war criminal, an alcoholic, etc. This can lead to other insights that would otherwise have remained hidden.

In general, the fear that the representative will bring his own experiences into the constellation is unfounded. In exceptional cases, a person can be overcome by their own emotions. Other representatives will also notice this, and the facilitator should pay attention to this.

Is it dangerous to be a representative during a family constellation?

No, in general, a participant can handle this role. It happens that a representative still suffers from the tension he/she has acquired in his/her role for some time after the position has been set up. Therefore, the facilitator must ensure that the representative consciously steps out of the role. There are different techniques for that.

Tip: Another self – Netflix series
To find out more about this in a visual and compelling way, I recommend the Netflix series Another Self: This Turkish series follows three women and their partners. The reason for the journey they make is the diagnosis of a serious illness with one of them. During the journey, they are introduced to family constellations. They are confronted with unresolved trauma from their family history, including murder, secrets, migrations and forbidden loves. Through systemic constellation work, it becomes clear how their family histories have influenced their lives. The series shows (with the right dose of drama and romance) how constellations can support you in finding yourself. Watch the series here.

How does a family constellation work?

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)

In March, you could already read about family constellations and what they are exactly. In that blog, you read that a family constellation is a therapeutic session in which a participant brings in an issue that he or she wants to gain clarity about. Today I will tell you more about how a family constellation works.

The preliminary talk
This process always starts with a preliminary talk. Someone (‘a client’ or ‘questioner’) comes up with a certain theme or question. During this first conversation, the facilitator helps the client to come to a more toned-down question. Using facts from someone’s family history, the facilitator investigates which family members might be related to the theme.

Step one in a constellation
Family members play an important role in the process. During a constellation, you will not see the client’s real family members but representatives. They do not know the family system of the questioner and can therefore take up a neutral role.

Interested in Family constellations or Systemic Ritual?
During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See: Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

The client places the representatives on a certain spot in the room, which determines their view. But that’s it. The client does not indicate what position the representative should take, how he or she should feel or what movement he or she should make.
Representatives take a moment to ‘land’ on the spot and observe what is happening in their bodies:

Do they feel big/small, stable/unsteady?
Do they lean forward or backwards?
Are the eyes open or closed?
What views attract them?
Do certain body sensations arise, such as a lump in the throat or a feeling of pressure in the stomach?
Do certain feelings come up? And which one?

Step two: the constellation begins
The facilitator supervises the process. The questioner only watches. The exchange between the representatives takes place under the guidance of the facilitator. Once the client has set everyone in place, the facilitator takes the lead. He asks how everyone is doing and what they are observing. This can also be the role of the client; this depends on the question and the client.
A question can be: do the representatives experience a movement impulse? If so, then they may follow that movement. The facilitator keeps an eye on the effect. Do they feel better or worse?
The system is brought into better harmony by moving representatives, bringing in other family members or performing ritual sentences and actions. The constellation is finished when all representatives feel comfortable in their new spots.

The end of the constellation
At the end, the client is often placed within the constellation himself. He/she changes from being a spectator to an active participant. He then experiences the other representatives as family members. The facilitator can enhance the experience even further by saying a few essential sentences, which the client repeats.
A good balance must be found. Some clients only need the insight of the constellation. Others need the full experience.

What happens after a constellation?
A constellation usually does not stop here. There is a small chance that the client will step out of the door and continues as if nothing had happened. The mind quickly starts asking questions after a constellation: “What does this mean? Should I call my mother now?” These thoughts are sometimes so strong that the new image of family relations can be seriously disturbed. The advice is, therefore, not to think or talk about the constellation but to draw it out, for example. The facilitator can also give some homework to continue the constellation as some sort of ritual.
The client will also not immediately be put down as a representative in the next constellation. The questioner first needs to absorb the new image of his/her own constellation.
This also means that after a constellation, there will be no discussion. This could lead to rationalization too quickly. The entire process must land first.

Only a part of reality becomes visible
We can assume that only a part of reality becomes visible in a constellation: that part that the questioner needs concerning the theme introduced. Realize that this reality is not fixed and that it can also change over time. But that reality is also taken seriously, as if nothing else existed at that moment.

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What are Family Constellations?

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)

Over the past months, I have already shared a lot about family constellations and Systemic Ritual. In this blog, it is time to find out what family constellations actually are and where this form of alternative psychotherapy comes from. I will go into more detail on this in the coming months.

A family is a system
You, as a person, are part of a family – a system – through biological, legal, affectionate, geographical and historical ties.

According to the founders of systemic therapy, human problems are problems that arise between people who are members of this system. The underlying idea is that if one of the members of a system (a family or partner relationship, for example) has a problem, the entire system is disrupted. The other way around: the system can help an individual by strengthening that system in which he or she lives.

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What is the origin?
The method of family constellations – based on other systemically oriented methods – was developed in Western Europe by the German Bert Hellinger. His working method is so-called systemic work:

By setting up someone’s system of origin, you can recognize, acknowledge and possibly eliminate relationships between family members that are not immediately visible. You can also identify, acknowledge and eliminate possible bottlenecks.

So what is a family constellation?
A family constellation is a therapeutic session in which a participant brings in an issue that he or she wants to get clarity on. Such an issue often originates in hidden dynamics that play a role between various family members of the person who raises the issue. During a constellation, other participants are selected as ‘representatives’, but more about that in another blog. The questioning participant places the representatives on certain spots in the room. Those spots are chosen in relation to the other representatives and the questioning participant. He/she is partly helped by the facilitator – the supervisor of the constellation.

The representatives are questioned about their feelings and attitudes towards each other and the situation. In this way, the mutual relationships and unconscious processes that play a part between people are made visible.

For example, entanglements (often from previous generations) that have led to stagnation in the participant’s current life come to light. These are often unprocessed feelings as a result of unpleasant events such as the young death of a parent or child, a war experience or the divorce between parents. Children who are born later, can unconsciously and unintentionally take on those unprocessed feelings, causing them to be out of balance.

In this context, people sometimes talk about family soul, family consciousness or family karma. A constellation makes visible what is happening in a family soul.

What happens during a family constellation?
During a family constellation, representatives are physically placed on a certain spot in the room, but more happens during such a constellation:

Relationships and processes are made visible.
The participants look for the origin of the problem, by searching for the individuals from previous generations who had every reason to be anxious, sad or angry.
A new, more harmonious balance is created.

“I feel lighter”
You restore balance through ritual sentences and/or actions. After a constellation, the person asking the question can feel the effect for years to come. The problem he came up with might disappear. This can even affect the family members who are unaware of the setup: family members have suddenly contacted again, or contact between them goes smoother.

Does this sound interesting? In the online workshops, you can easily become acquainted with this work: I will tell you more about systemic constellations and Systemic Ritual, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals, so that you can experience how it works and what it does to you. Do you want more and live? Then there is the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’ – in Amsterdam.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

What is the impact of the family of origin on your relationships?

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: tyler-nix-V3dHmb1MOXM-unsplash.jpeg

In previous blogs, I described situations in current relationships and from previous relationships that impact your current relationship. Today I will discuss the last part: what happened in the family of origin that affects the current situation?

Intergenerational trauma
Intergenerational trauma is a concept developed to help explain long-standing destructive patterns within families. It means the transfer or the transmission to younger generations of oppressive or traumatic effects of a historical event that took place with ancestors. This involves loyalty to and identifications and entanglements with people in the generations before you. I speak of ‘family karma’.
Read more about that on this page.

Do you want to know more about how to break free from a previous relationship? Or are there events in your current relationship that you want to work on?
During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See: Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

Commitment
Commitment is an essential part in relationships. Commitment is connected to the energy we give to something or someone or a certain value. Think of an important family value. For example, the value of freedom may be more important than the commitment to a partner.

You often see this with women from strict cultural backgrounds where women have to be submissive to men for many generations. Their mantra now is: “I won’t end up like this”. This value can be more important than the relationship with a man.

In every relationship, a piece of freedom is ‘given up’, but that is unacceptable in the example above. In this case, there is a commitment with all ancestral women who did not know freedom.

If a person shows no commitment to the partner, then his/her commitment is to something or someone else. And this has an impact on your relationship.

Intergenerational socio-cultural traumas
In addition to the impact of situations from our personal lives and from the lives of our parents and ancestors, socio-cultural historical traumas also impact relationships.

Such traumas include war, famine, immigration, slavery, genocide, colonialism, political unrest, disasters, economic collapse and radiation.

The impact of these events creates the dynamics of our relationships. We carry the past in our bodies in the present. These forces guide our choices until we are aware of them. Each country has its own history and, therefore, a different dynamic that can play a role in relationships.

It is sometimes said in shamanistic cultures that up to and including the 7th generation descendants still deal with the entanglements of ancestors. And this concerns traumas from the personal lives of those ancestors. When it comes to sociological, cultural, religious or political trauma, the impact can last for centuries.

Healing
Healing intergenerational traumas is the essence of the Family Constellations and Systemic Ritual method. In a constellation, you look for the cause of the problem. You look for people in previous generations who had every reason to be sad, anxious, angry, etc. In this way, you ‘expose’ the cause of the problem. You restore it through ritual phrases and/or actions and/or adding other ancestors who can help.

Tip: The other self – Netflix series
To find out more about this in a visual and compelling way, I recommend the Netflix series The Other Self: This Turkish series follows three women and their partners. The reason for the journey they make is the diagnosis of a serious illness with one of them. During the journey, they are introduced to family constellations. They are confronted with unresolved trauma from their family history, including murder, secrets, migrations and forbidden loves. Through systemic constellation work, it becomes clear how their family histories have influenced their lives. The series shows (with the right dose of drama and romance) how constellations can support you in finding yourself. Watch the series here.

Do you want to know more about how to break free from a previous relationship? Or are there events in your current relationship that you want to work on?

During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

The negative impact of previous relationships on your current relationship

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: jens-lelie-u0vgcIOQG08-unsplash.jpg

In last month’s blogs, you could read about events that took place in your current relationship that have a negative impact on the course of your current relationship. In this blog, you will read about the second level: the impact of previous relationships on your existing relationship.

How can a previous relationship impact your current relationship?

Unfinished separation

Partners are connected on three levels:

Mentally: the image we have in mind of our partner or the image of how we think our partner should be.
Emotionally: the connection from the heart: ‘I love you, and I want someone to love me as well.’
Erotically: the sexual attraction and the sex between the two partners.

A good break-up recognizes all three layers of commitment. Therefore, a good break-up takes responsibility for each layer. The connection has to be broken on all three levels. We can do this with a Familyconstellation or a Systemic Ritual, but more on that later.

A previous relationship may obstruct the current relationship. This usually means that the previous relationship did not end well. There has not been a proper farewell to each other and/or the previous partner(s) are not respected.

A breakup can be difficult if the partners still expect something from each other. Think of acknowledgement, gratitude for the time they have had together or the valuable things they gave each other such as love and experiences.

Generally speaking, separating from a partner with whom someone had their first sexual contact, is the most difficult. This is usually the relationship with the most significant impact.

Even if partners have been separated for years, if the separation has not taken place properly, it is unfinished. This obstructs a new relationship.

Factors that form an obstacle to landing in a new relationship

Some factors related to previous relationships can obstruct a new relationship, such as:

Intense, insufficiently processed events from previous relationships, such as abortion, miscarriage, stillborn or passed child. Events like this are mostly the cause of the growing apart of partners because they cannot manage to carry the loss together. Situations like those described above make the partners stay connected to one another on a certain level. This connection obstructs a new relationship.
We also often see that a new relationship is more difficult for one partner when his or her former partner does not start a new relationship and remains unhappy.

The impact on descendants

Unfinished break-ups affect not only the involved partners and their following relationship but also affect descendants.

Children of the next generation can identify themselves with ex-partners when those ex-partners are being left out, denied or suppressed. This is how a system ensures that this person will not be forgotten. Unfortunately, this means that our children or grandchildren will live the fate of ex-partners.

Healing motion and healing sentences
There are a couple of ways to break free from a previous relationship, that I’ll guide you through during a family constellation or Systemic Ritual. Your ex-partner doesn’t have to be present. This is your inner process that will work systemically.

Do you want to know more about how to break free from a previous relationship? Or are there events in your current relationship that you want to work on? During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or rituals so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
It is also possible to have an individual session. See: individual-consultation-systemic-constellations-and-systemic-ritual/
Are you a professional and do you want to learn new tools? In that case, the course in Systemic Ritual is useful for you. See Course in Systemic Ritual. You can download the leaflet on this page.

Events that have an impact on your relationship – Part 2

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: shelby-deeter–XlBjdtRqK8-unsplash.jpg

In the previous blog, I wrote about balance and disbalance in relationships and what impact this has on a relationship. It is about giving and taking, but what if one person gives much more than the other? I’ll tell you more in this blog by describing situations that impact the current relationship if nobody pays attention to it.

Sexual needs

There can be a disbalance in the need for sex. In general, one of the partners has a higher sex drive than the other. What helps is that the other person then says: “Thank you for your need for me. Even when I am – at this moment – not available for you.”

Do you want to know more about how a constellation or Systemic Ritual can work for you? During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or practices. In that way, you can experience how it works and what it can do for you.
Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series in Amsterdam ‘Hidden Dynamics’.
Already a facilitator and want more tools? Maybe the course is something for you: Course Systemic Ritual

Affair
In general, an affair is a symptom of something missing in a relationship. A good sentence for the partner who cheated on his/her partner can be:
“I had an affair, but what I was looking for in this other person, I wished to get from you.”

The other person can answer with:
“I’m sorry I didn’t have enough attention for you.”

Both partners have to take up their share of the responsibility for what happened. This way, the guilt will be shared. A form of revenge can be needed from the other person to let the love flow again. An appropriate compensation can be to confide in a friend and tell him/her about the situation.

Abortion (or miscarriage)
Abortion has a lot of impact on a relationship. This is often overlooked. The aborted child must be given a place in the family. The relationship is at risk in the event of an abortion or a miscarriage, unless the parents take responsibility and grieve together.

Healing sentences can be – in the case of abortion: “We have both asked you to leave and we carry our responsibility. We now take you in our hearts completely and grieve together.”

In case of a spontaneous miscarriage: “We would have loved to see you come into our lives, but unfortunately, you had to leave. You have a spot in our hearts and in our family. We carry this loss together and grieve together.”

Sometimes a woman terminates the pregnancy without telling her partner. This, too, has to be acknowledged.

Infertility
When one of the partners is infertile in a heterosexual relationship, it can become a big problem for both partners.

Healing sentences are when the infertile partner says to the other: “This is my fate. I carry it completely. You are free to stay, but you are also free to go.” If the partner stays: “Thank you for staying. This is a big gift to me.”

Partners of equal sex who want to have a baby, need a third party who donates the sperm or egg, or wants to carry the baby until it is born (in a man-man relationship). It is of great interest for the partners and the child that this third person is acknowledged and honoured. This also counts for heterosexual couples who have had a baby through a donor.

Mixed families
A huge change will happen when two families come together, and partners bring children from a former relationship. The former partners must have a place in the new, mixed family.

Constellations can help in such a case because they offer a multidimensional perspective for mixed families. The question for all people (partners, children) is usually: “Where is my place?”

For a facilitator of the constellation, it is important to look for that order which brings the most harmony between all people involved. It is crucial to keep the natural order in mind. There are some ‘rules’ for this natural order. These rules were developed from and have been proven to be the most harmonious in thousands of family constellations.

An important finding is that a new family system takes precedence over an earlier family system. This means that a new relationship from which children are born takes precedence over the previous family system. However, the children born in an earlier relationship of a partner have priority over the new partner.

Healing sentences for the new partner can include: “I chose you with your children. We all come together. I agree that you give your children precedence over me, as I came into your lives at a later stage.”

This was level 1 of systemic impact: what happened in the current relationship that didn’t get any attention.
In the next blog, I’ll describe level 2 of systemic impact: previous relationships.

Events that have an impact on your relationship – Part 1

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: Andrik-langfield–kCQwY1rd6I-unsplash.jpg

Various events that happen while being in a relationship have an impact on that relationship. This can be an affair, the loss of a job, the passing of one of the parents, or a disbalance in giving and taking. In the following few blogs, I’ll tell you everything about the different levels of impact. Today I’ll describe the first level: what happened in the current relationship that didn’t get any attention?

The feeling of being incomplete

Attraction is the driving force behind the start of a relationship.

Everyone has, in their subconscious, an image of what he/she finds attractive. But we mainly look for someone who makes us complete. We look for someone who has qualities that we appreciate or that we haven’t yet developed ourselves.

In a relationship, it is important that the needs of both partners towards each other are equal. The man or woman wishes that his or her partner needs him or her as much as she/he needs him/her. This requires the feeling of ‘being incomplete’. A feeling that many people have.

If each partner sees the qualities in the other person that he/she wants, then he/she can see the other one as the one who makes him/her complete or who complements him/her with the qualities that he/she wants so desperately. This forms a good start for a relationship. It makes space for gratitude.

Disbalance

What if we look for qualities about status, like money, wealth or an important position in society? This is when a power complex arises. The ‘richer’ person in the relationship has power, but the other person doesn’t. In many of these cases, the relationship won’t develop and won’t be everlasting. The same goes for relationships in which partners have a significant age difference (>15 years). The danger that one person will take up a parent role or the risk of repeating a parent-child pattern sneaks around the corner. We have read that in this blog as well.

If there is a mutual balance – equality in the relationship – then we have the right conditions for equal power distribution and intimacy. This will strengthen the relationship in the longer term.

But what if that mutual balance isn’t there? There can be times when one person gives more than the other. This has to be acknowledged, and the balance has to be restored at a later stage. One time one person gives, another time the other person gives. This makes a relationship grow. It grows when one person gives a bit more than the other. Because the other received more, he/she will feel ‘guilty’. The need to give back arises in order to let go of the ‘guilt. This is how the bond between partners grows.

However: from this perspective, even every misstep has to be compensated. In that case in a lower dose. Compensation must take place in a way that both partners win back their dignity and share their guilt. From this perspective, any harmful act has to be answered with some sort of revenge. The other person also does something painful, but it has to be less painful than what the other person has caused. I will give an example later.
In the interest of love, we have to restore the balance, even if this asks for a harmful approach. Reconciliation means that the two partners create a new starting point, fed by the wish of staying together.

Each couple has its own balance
The skill of giving and taking is taught at a very young age in the family that we are born into and is strongly related to our relationship with our parents. Furthermore, each partner can only give as much as the other can receive and ask as much as the other person can give.

Each couple has to find its own balance. We tend to look for someone who matches us. If you’re good at giving, you’ll probably meet someone good at receiving. This is how you create balance in some aspects. Actually, together you create a disbalance by which both of you feel happy. Of course, in this case, the couple has to take care that the disbalance won’t grow too big. It is good as long as both feel happy with it.

A significant disbalance in giving and taking can disturb relationships.
As an example: It can be that one of the partners made a huge sacrifice for the relationship: leaving a country and family behind or breaking up a career.
Especially in those cases, there must be acknowledgement and gratitude for this sacrifice. Sometimes the disbalance in giving and taking can only be acknowledged because the other person simply can’t restore the balance. The only solution here is gratitude towards the other. If there is an overwhelming disbalance, gratitude is essential to the solution.

In this blog, I described level 1 of the systemic impact on relationships: what happened in the current relationship that didn’t get enough attention? Each couple has to find balance, but what if there is a significant disbalance? In the next blog, I’ll describe several examples of such a disbalance: the difference in sexual needs, but also the impact of an abortion or miscarriage, an affair, infertility or mixed families.

Attachment: a short introduction

By Susanne Hazen and Josianne Zwart (Hey Joos! Virtual assistant & projectmanager)
Photo: Ioann Mark Kuznietsov, published on Unsplash

In an earlier published blog, you read about power in relationships and the fact that every relationship finds itself in a cross-cultural war: two people who come together in a relationship leave their family norms and values behind so they can ‘walk a new path’ together. That process quite often comes with fights. Not only because both partners leave the ‘rules’ of their family of origin behind, but also because one partner wants something from the other that he or she couldn’t get from his/her parents.

Fill the emptiness

In this previous blog you have read that everyone has an empty jar of needs that they want to be filled by something or someone else. This is why we have subconscious expectations towards a partner: you try to get something that you didn’t get from your parents. But that is not how it works.

To build on a strong partner relationship, both have to heal, be aware, grow up and act as adults. If we want something from the other person that we didn’t get from our parents, we keep hanging on to a parent-child relationship: we keep asking for something that the other person can never give us. This is an important source of frustration, irritation and aggression. A source that may lead to you pushing away your partner.

The influence on partner relationships

So there are many factors influencing your relationship. The attachment you have with your parents is of great influence as well. The attachment style as we experienced it together with our parents, determines how we see relationships. Think of it as a lens through which we see and experience relationships. The attachment style you have determines how safe you think relationships are.

There are four styles to which I give you a short introduction.

Secure attachment

These people are in touch with their feelings, are competent and have successful relationships in general. Besides that, they are trustworthy and consistent and they take decisions together with their partner. They are flexible, communicate clearly and are not afraid of commitment.

Avoidant attachment

To protect themselves, these people have learned to push other people away. Feelings are locked away and they count on nobody except for themselves. To them, a relationship equals a loss of freedom. Besides that, they have unrealistic beliefs about what a romantic relationship should look like.

Ambivalent attachment

These people are the opposite: they want to be in a relationship and are constantly worried that people won’t like them or even that they will leave them. They desperately want to be close to the other person. They are unhappy when they’re not in a relationship, are afraid of rejection and communicate poorly.

Disorganized

These adults feel the need to connect to others. But: being close to someone and working on intimacy feels too overwhelming and threatening. It can even lead to them ignoring intimacy at all.

How to work with attachment disorders

Regular psychology has done tons of research on attachment disorders and interventions. A family constellation can be very useful when you want to look at hidden identifications and entanglements. Other types of therapy can be helpful as well when you want to help someone with an attachment disorder and help couples with their communication. However, it is advised to do a family constellation additionally to other therapy and not as a stand-alone intervention when an attachment disorder is clear.

A Systemic Ritual can help make you strong and give back your confidence. We do exercises to make the love flow after a traumatic break of trust – think of hospitalization shortly after birth or premature birth – and to give back safety and basic trust.

During the online workshops, you can get to know Systemic Ritual at an entry-level. I’ll tell you more about systemic constellations and rituals, but we will mainly do some constellations or practices so you can experience how it works and what it can do for you. Do you want more and live? Click here for the workshop series ‘Hidden Dynamics’.

Source:

Delfos, M.F: Ontwikkeling in vogelvlucht. Ontwikkeling van kinderen en adolescenten. (development at a glance. Development of children and adolescents)